Take the Vow of Emotional Independence

As we celebrate Independence Day in the United States, there is no better time to take a vow of emotional independence.

When you have emotional independence, you want for nothing because you have everything. Just take a deep breath and think about this. Imagine feeling so full and so completely at peace inside yourself that you have the freedom to love and be loved, to give freely and to receive abundantly, to expand rather than contract, to move forward rather than stay stuck, to live in joy rather than suffer in misery. Emotional independence allows you to be in control rather than to be controlled by the unhealed emotions of your past and will support you in being nourished and filled with faith rather than diminished and weakened by fear.

So close your eyes and have the intention that you can be free, that you can be loved, that you can be abundant, that you can be healed, that you can be inspired, that you can be passionate, and that you can help change the world. And then open your eyes and please join me in taking the vow.

The Vow of Emotional Independence

I, ______ ________, am committed to living free of the strangulating grip of fear, shame, doubt, worry, anger, and sadness.

I promise to give my power to the force greater than myself rather than some food, substance, bad habit, or disempowering craving.

I will stand for my highest expression rather than allowing others’ judgments to define who I am.

I will always make sure to please and take care of myself instead of succumbing to any people-pleasing habits.

I will listen to the voice of my soul rather than listening to the voice of my critical internal judge.

I will find joy in each and every day of my existence rather than get caught up in the insanity of my world.

I will take care of my planet and let my voice be heard instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

I will choose powerfully each and every moment to make choices that leave me feeling inspired by myself and will graciously let go of my self-defeating behaviors.

I take this vow NOW as a positive stand for my soul's highest expression and for every man, woman, and child on this planet today.

As I set myself free, I am freeing myself and others from the violence of my darkest thoughts, my negative projections, and my limiting self-image.

And now I ask all the powers that be to support me in living this vow each and every moment of each and every day.

As I surrender my will for the higher will, I know that I will be guided from my darkest thought to my greatest dream, from my head to my heart.

Today, I commit to living in full accordance with this vow.

And so it is.

Live as if this is your birthright and your destiny – because it is.

- Debbie Ford, July, 2010

Take a deep breath. Read this vow to yourself and allow it to nourish you. See yourself filled with all the light of the world. And if your heart desires to share it, send it on to others.

A New Year's Ritual

This is a tremendously powerful time of year -- a time when the universe is moving all of us in an exciting and positive direction, a time when everyone, whether they know it or not, is looking to complete the past and move into a new future. 2020 offers all of us a new beginning!

We’re excited to share with you Debbie Ford's 2010 New Year's Ritual (with a few updates) to support you in clearing out the past and opening up to a new future. This ritual is a great opportunity to powerfully end this year, igniting new possibilities in your inner and outer worlds, so we invite you to set aside some time to read her message and do the exercises she outlines.

We at The Ford Institute are wishing you a healthy, happy, inspired new year.

xox,
kelley

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A NEW YEAR’S RITUAL
by Debbie Ford

Rituals can mark a new beginning or be the demarcation at the end of a chapter of our lives. They can set us up for a new future, mark a profound time of change, and seal in the dreams and the desires of a life yet to be lived. This year, I've written a vow and a ritual for you that will open you up, remind you of who you are, and leave you feeling blessed and ready for the upcoming year. So take a moment, breathe into each line of the vow, and allow yourself some time to do the New Year's Ritual.

The Vow

My life is worth a billion blessings to all those I meet on my journey.

I am the heaven and all that exists in the sky above.

I am the vastness of my greatest thought and the infinite power that sources and sustains the entire universe.

On this day, I will remember who I am, what I am here for, and why I chose the experiences that have come into my path this past year.

Today, I promise to leave the smallness of my darkest thoughts and melt with open arms into the never-ending, all-powerful love of my highest self.

Today, I surrender into the open arms of 2020, allowing each day of the upcoming year to surprise, comfort, and nourish my soul's deepest desires.

I vow to return to the spark of the divine and use my power to light up the world.

This year, I will give to others what I want back for myself.

If I want love, I will find ways to love each and every person I come across.

If I want peace, I will think peaceful thoughts, say peaceful words, and pray for peace for all those who are living in chaos, including myself.

If I want success, I will work diligently to help those around me succeed. I will stay focused, do my absolute best, and seek excellence in everything I do.

If I want respect, I will begin by respecting life and all that comes with it. I will respect those around me and those who work hard to make this planet a better place. I will respect the earth, my body, my past, and the gifts that I hold and I will surrender judgment for reverence.

In 2020, I trust that what I give to the world will be given back to me.

The Ritual

• Make a list of 10 experiences that blessed and nourished you in 2019.

• To complete 2019, write out why you chose the challenging experiences of the last year. Do this from the highest perspective so that you can find their gifts.

• Notice if you're carrying any dark, small or limiting thoughts into 2020. Write them all down. Affirm you don't need them anymore. They're not the truth. They're just thoughts. Then rip them up into 100 shredded little specks of nothing and throw them in the trash.

• Choose one quality (e.g., loving, peaceful, successful, etc.) that you most want to express and commit to in 2020. Write out 5 ways that you can give and share this quality with others.

• Write down 5 goals that you feel inspired to commit to in 2020.

• Read this vow or use one of your own each morning to reconnect with the power you hold to light up the world.

May you give yourself all that you desire and all that you deserve.

Loving you always,
Debbie

A Holiday Blessing

As we move toward the end of a remarkable year, you are in our thoughts and hearts. In the midst of the busyness of the holiday season, we want to express our profound gratitude for you.

To best express our appreciation, we offer you the blessing that Debbie Ford wrote for her newsletter subscribers in December of 2009. She began the blessing by writing, "You deserve an unimaginable future, one that exceeds your expectations and your deepest desires. You can have it. It is your birthright through your divine connection." We couldn't agree more.

From me and the staff of The Ford Institute, on behalf of all of our Integrative Coaches, and our global community at large, we are sending you enormous amounts of love and wishes for the happiest, healthiest holiday season ever.

A BLESSING FOR YOUR FUTURE
by Debbie Ford

Divine Spirit
thank you for giving me the capacity for wholeness

Thank you for this very precious moment

A moment where I am present
to all the goodness that exists
inside and outside of me

A moment that inspires thoughts of a greater future

A future where I can love and be loved
where I can serve and be served

A future where I humbly and gracefully
contribute my soul's gifts to the world

A future that is filled with abundance and miracles

Today I open my arms to the loving presence
that will awaken me to my greatness
and fill my future with surprises

I surrender my life and will
to the greatest power in the universe

Today I accept my worth and my worthiness

And so it is 

'Tis The Season For Receiving

There is no doubt about it. December is the time of year that is synonymous with giving. Whether it is to family, friends, co-workers, charitable organizations, or the people who make our lives better, we all have our lists and are checking them twice!

Most of us love to give – and when we do so, we feel good about ourselves, abundant, and alive.

But what about receiving? Most people feel very uncomfortable about receiving!

Whether it is a gift, an act of kindness, help from others, or even a compliment, we have a difficult time receiving.

For many, our awkwardness around receiving started at an early age. We were brought up hearing messages like, "Tis better to give than to receive" or "Give more than you get." We decided, consciously or unconsciously, that people who receive are greedy, selfish, weak, or needy – and since we didn't want to be any of those things, we made receiving wrong. When I first looked at my inability to receive, I realized that I had a belief that if I received something from someone, then I would owe them something in return. For me, being beholden to anyone was a loss of control and a very scary place, so receiving became taboo.

But here’s the thing…

• When we make receiving wrong, we not only limit what we don't want but also that which our heart truly longs for.

• When we make receiving wrong, we diminish the amount of love, abundance, happiness, and magic we allow into our lives!

• When we make receiving wrong, we erect an energetic barrier around us that keeps us from attracting all that we do desire as well as that which we do not.

• When we make receiving wrong, we knowingly or unknowingly make a declaration to the Universe, others, and ourselves that we do not feel worthy and deserving enough to open ourselves up to the unimaginable gifts that the Universe has to offer.

I always love to hear stories about people who knew each other for years and one day, in an instant, their relationship turns into love. Or the person who is paralyzed by a problem for months and then all of a sudden has a flash of genius and finds the solution. What has changed? Somehow, they opened themselves up to receive something that was previously unavailable to them.

Years ago, when I was determined to shift my relationship with receiving, I decided to make December my month of saying “Yes!”  I had just ended a relationship and I was afraid that I would be lonely and depressed during the holidays.  So,

• First, I texted my friends and told them to include me in whatever they did.
  

• Second, I made a promise to myself that no matter what the invitation, I would say “Yes!” (I would not let my usual excuses of “not feeling like it” or “it may feel awkward” lead the way.)

In making December my month of saying “Yes!” I learned:

1. To let the Universe lead.
   

2. To trust that the Universe is a benevolent partner and friend and has so many amazing futures lined up for me, if I can only get out of the way and go with the flow instead of trying to control its every move.
   

3. In every moment a multitude of invitations exist, all dancing right in front of us, ready to be received, promising to shower us new possibilities.

As Debbie Ford writes in Spiritual Divorce,

"Miracles can show up in our lives when we are open to receiving them!"

So, if you are ready to open up to the magic and opportunities dancing around you and to truly make this upcoming month “a December to remember,” then I invite you to join me in what is now my yearly tradition of making December my month of saying “Yes!”

Think about what will be possible in the new year if you complete this year making the declaration that you feel worthy of receiving and are open to accepting the magic of the moment and promise of the present!

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Journal about your beliefs about receiving. What were the messages you received when you were young about people who receive or being a giver vs. a receiver?

(2) Become aware of how you feel about receiving. For example: If you are given a gift this holiday season, notice how it automatically makes you feel. What emotions come up for you?

(3) Be fascinated by your actions around receiving. If you are given a compliment, do you ignore it, deflect it, or breathe it in? If someone offers to do something for you, how do you respond?

(4) Say “Yes!” Let the Universe lead and see what happens.

A Gratitude Ritual

Have you ever noticed that the more you focus on being grateful, the more you have to be grateful for?

It’s true. The more we practice counting our blessings, the more blessings we will find to count. 

And that is one of the beautiful things about gratitude. It builds on itself. All we have to do is be mindful of practicing that “attitude of gratitude” by focusing on looking for what’s right, since…

gratitude happens naturally when we stay in the presence of the many gifts in our lives.

So, if you want to have a heartfelt Thanksgiving, as well as the power to turn a moment of ordinary into extraordinary, then I encourage you to take time to go within, connect with your blessings and gifts, and practice cultivating gratitude.

Use the beautiful Gratitude Ritual that Debbie Ford created years ago, which I have included below, to support you in opening your heart and filling it with love and appreciation. 

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Make a plan do the Gratitude Ritual on a daily basis for at least a week. Put it in your calendar.

(2) Find a place that inspires and deeply nurtures you, a sacred place, to do the Gratitude Ritual.

(3) Do the Gratitude Ritual each day for at least a week.

(4) After the Gratitude Ritual, ask your heart to tell you what it's most appreciative for. Jot these words down and remember that they can serve to fill your internal cup and bring you peace at any time amidst the bustle of this holiday season.

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A Gratitude Ritual
by Debbie Ford

The beautiful gifts of gratitude begin at home
so today invite a healing to happen
in your own body
in your own consciousness
in your own loving heart
that feels blessed to be alive

Notice all the riches you've been given
the feet that allow you to stand
the legs that allow you to walk
the stomach that allows you to eat
the lungs that allow you to breathe
the throat that allows you to speak
the mouth that allows you to taste
the nose that allows you to smell
the eyes that allow you to see
and your beating heart
that allows you to love
Honor them all

Become present to the treasures of your life
the opportunities that you have been given
the ones that have effortlessly opened up for you this year
Reflect on your family, your kids, your partner, your friends
Look through appreciative eyes
the eyes of what's right
the eyes of the divine
Give thanks in a way that you never have before

Allow fear, doubt, struggle and pain
to melt away in the presence of this all-loving appreciation
Thank God that you have a consciousness
that is able to shift and transform in just a moment
Thank God that you are courageous enough
to take a moment to bless yourself
to bless the universe
to bless all those who love and guide you
and then to bless all of the world

Send your tears of love and gratitude
to those who are in pain
to those who are alone
to those who are confused
Allow the heavenly vibration of gratitude
to puncture their fearful illusions
and open up their hearts to what is truly divine

Today, take this vow of deep self-love and gratitude
knowing that when you are in the presence of this kind of love
you - as well as all of those around you - will flourish

Take five slow deep breaths, breathing in love, appreciation, gratitude and joy
Know that you are never alone and you will never be alone
We are all here surrounding you with love.

Turning The Tables on Turkey Day Trauma & Trepidation

Can you believe it’s almost Thanksgiving?

What happened to Fall?

Although the song says "Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays," the fact is that most of us experience a sense of dread as we envision our upcoming holiday gatherings and being around our family.

Feelings of resistance, anxiety, and resignation start to bubble up as we anticipate the drama and dis-ease that will undoubtedly accompany the candied yams and pumpkin pie. As we contemplate the upcoming holiday, our minds naturally drift back to Thanksgivings past and any hope of warm and fuzzy feelings turn cold as we think about our family dynamic and the scenarios that consistently cause trauma and trepidation at our Thanksgiving table. Situations like:

• How do I once again try to explain to my family why I have to bring my own food since I eat vegan or gluten-free? 

• What can I do to appease my parents and in-laws, who are all divorced but expect us to show up and make their Thanksgiving meal the most significant one? 

• How should I handle it this year when, at the last minute, my sister-in-law once again decides to invite four more people to dinner? 

• What do I do when Uncle Bob inevitably brings up politics?

• How do I not get pissed off at my family when they stay glued to the television as I do all of the work in the kitchen?

Your first instinct might be to cancel Thanksgiving or hide because you just want to avoid the inevitable, or you are afraid you will do what you have done in the past, which is to remain silent and pretend things are "fine" as you face dive into the mashed potatoes, and drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine.

But the problem is that choosing self-sabotage over self-love is never the best option. Neither is doing what you have done in the past -- avoidance, settling for crumbs, enduring the inappropriate actions, behaviors, and comments of others, or allowing yourself to self-implode and then berating and beating yourself up for it later. 

It is time to turn the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation.

It is time to declare a no-tolerance policy when it comes to putting ourselves in unhealthy scenarios in which we do unto others better than we do unto ourselves as we compromise our wants, needs, desires, and truth.

It is time to initiate some new holiday traditions! 

 
Structures and boundaries are acts of self-care and demonstrations of self-love. In my book The Integrity Advantage, one of my favorite sections is about creating an "Integrity Protection Program," a set of structures and practices that aid us in protecting our highest. To help navigate the holiday pitfalls, it is crucial that we be proactive about formulating a holiday Integrity Protection Plan and put structures in place to safeguard our sanity. We must commit to establishing a clear set of ground rules, some for us to adhere to and others that we convey to our loved ones. Even though it would be nice to think that our family members and close friends know our needs, assuming often gets us in trouble and causes misunderstandings. As we take on being proactive about turning the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation, we must also commit to communicating our requests and boundaries to others in a clear and timely manner. It is okay to:

• Tell your sister-in law that the cut-off day for adding additional guests is the Monday before Thanksgiving. 

• Give each family member a list of tasks you need them to perform and a time frame for when they need to be done by. 

• Call your hostess and ask what they will be serving to see if it meets your dietary needs and then check if you can bring some "sugar-free" or gluten-free options. 

• Remind your in-laws that you will be eating dinner at your mother's house and will be at their house in the afternoon to say hello. 

• Declare the Thanksgiving table a "no-politics" zone.

Changing our holiday karma is possible. But we need to be as mindful about creating our holiday Integrity Protection Program as we are about planning our Thanksgiving menu. My hope is that, to whatever extent you need to, you can turn the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation and have the yummiest of Thanksgiving feasts.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Start formulating your holiday Integrity Protection Program. 

a. What boundaries do you need to establish with others? 

b. What structures do you need to create that will support you in successfully navigating your family's issues and dealing with their dynamics? 

(2) Make a conscious choice to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and walk through the holiday with eyes of love and gratitude.

Marry Your Conscience

Have you heard about the studies that say we are a reflection of the five people that we spend the most time with? That’s right! We become most like the people we most like!

When you look around your life, who or what do you see?

Are there people who inspire you? Are willing to be straight with you? Hold your greatest dreams and visions.

Or are there people who are more apt to choose harmony over truth, even when it comes to situations that are not in our highest?

Years ago, I attended a ceremony in which Jay Leno, the comedian, was being honored. Accepting the award and thanking all of the people who supported him in his career, he of course singled-out his wife. In speaking about her and the success of their long-term marriage, Leno said:

"Marry your conscience. Marry the one
who makes you want to be a better person."

Although he did not elaborate, Leno was speaking about the need to surround ourselves with people who:

• bring out the best in us,

• stand for our highest, and

• do not choose harmony over truth when it comes to challenging us or being compassionately honest with us so that we can be the person that we aspire to be.

Yet the truth is that most people in our lives do quite the opposite. Most people have a tough time telling their friends and loved ones the truth, or asking the tough questions. Instead, they:

• keep silent when we dive into a bag of chips,

• encourage us to “just call” the person we have been obsessing about, or

• help us justify a purchase that’s out of our budget.

Instead of busting us of our own BS or reminding us of our long-term vision and goals, they give us a high five and sheepishly encourage us to “Go for it!” even though they know we will regret it in the morning.

Sound familiar?

Most of us are programmed to believe that in the name of being “kind,” “nonjudgmental,” or “a good friend,” we should keep our mouths shut and avoid confrontation. Yet in many a situation, when we choose harmony over truth, all we are truly doing is enabling behavior that is not in our loved one's highest and colluding with the lie that "everything is fine!" or that "good enough" is acceptable.

The truth is that if we cannot stand in what is in the highest for a loved one, especially when it supports them in achieving their stated goals and desires, then chances are that we cannot do the same for ourselves.

So, as you start looking forward to the holiday season and the beginning of a new decade, start to honestly examine the people who surround you.

• Do they inspire you?

• Do they bring out the best in you?

• Are they willing to be honest with you?

• Do they reflect back to you the person you aspire to be?

Even though you can't pick your family of origin, you can choose your spouse, friends, business associates, and people you spend time with. If you want to live an extraordinary life then surround yourself with like-minded people who are dedicated to bringing out the best in others and themselves.

Surround yourself with people who love you enough to risk speaking their truth if it will support you in living in your greatness. Surround yourself with people who know that you are here to deliver a gift to the world and recognize that living with integrity is not only in your highest but will benefit the world as well. Surround yourself with people in whose faces and in whose eyes you can see your truth because you know that they are standing for you to have the best and biggest life and to be your most magnificent self!

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Make a list of the 5 to 10 most important people in your life. Without making them wrong, journal about the impact they have on your day-to-day life. How do you feel when you are around them? Can you talk to them about what is really on your mind? Do they give you honest feedback or pick harmony over truth? Do they tolerate your mediocrity or stand for your magnificence?

(2) Identify 1 or 2 people who, as Jay Leno says, "make you want to be a better person."

(3) Make a plan to speak with them in order to acknowledge them for the role that they play in your life.

(4) Really dwell in the conversation of creating a "conscious community" around you. What would that look like for you? How would it impact your life?

Are You Ready To Own Your Inner Superhero?

Halloween is almost here. Many of us have spent days planning and putting together the perfect costume. I am always fascinated to see the trends in Halloween costumes since I view them as a commentary on what is relevant in today's society. This year, there is no question we will see all sorts of references to what’s making headline news as well as fake news. There will be groups of people representing everything from the IT movie clowns to Disney Princesses to the cast of Suicide Squad. And even though we will have the classic stand-bys like the naughty nurse, Rocky Balboa, or the Addams Family, there is no question that year after year, the most popular Halloween costumes are superheroes. From DC to Marvel Comics to the Avengers, the number and wide array of superheroes that are out protecting, patrolling and partying in the streets are always ever-present on Halloween night!

So, what is it about superheroes that make them so popular? Their superpowers, of course...And the desire we all have to possess them, even if it only is for one night!

From the magical sorcerer to the muscle-bound mutants, we shine our light on superheroes, thinking that they have something that we mere mortals do not! However, if you stop to think about it, although some superheroes have powers that exceed the abilities of most humans, the fact is many do not.

Think of Batman and all of the heroes, villains, and vixens from Gotham City. None of them possess abilities beyond those of you and me. Yet we consider them superheroes! We want to be suave, charismatic, and logical like Bruce Wayne (Batman), smart, sexy and intuitive like Batgirl or Poison Ivy, or clever like the Riddler. Even though we all might want to fly like Superman or be able to make magic like Harry Potter, when it comes to these superheroes with superhuman abilities, it is not only their magical powers but also their human qualities that we truly covet. We want to be healers like the Wolverine, super-strong and disciplined like the Hulk, psychic like the team from X-Men, or all-knowing, certain, and heartfelt like Superman.

The fact is that we all have superpowers!

 
The only difference between us mere mortals and the people we consider to be superheroes is that they own their light and their greatness and we do not. But the light we see in them is within us. It is our birthright!

We all have the power to be anything we want to be. In her book The Best Year of Your Life, Debbie Ford in the chapter entitled, "Stepping Into Greatness," Debbie writes,

"Each of us has the ability to find and nurture new parts of    ourselves and become the people we aspire to be….Each of us has a choice to stay stuck in the persona we have created or to let it go and allow a new expression of ourselves to emerge. Human beings (just like superheroes) are capable of this type of metamorphosis. We don't have to stay stuck displaying the same personality traits over the course of our lifetime but are free to transform into the higher expressions of ourselves."

So if you are ready to unleash your inner genie in a bottle, embrace your bionic abilities, "run faster than a speeding bullet," and own that you are a superhero, then I suggest you call forth your x-ray vision and see past your outdated, limited definition of yourself. Adopt your chest-out, hands-on-hips Wonder Woman-Superman pose and bask in the glory of your light. There is no one in any galaxy quite like you -- no one else who can deliver your gifts to the world. So, this Halloween remember the costume is just a façade. Everything you need and have been yearning for is already inside of you! It is your time to fly!

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Identify a superhero or super person that you admire. Ask yourself, "What are the qualities that that person has that you most admire or truly wished you possessed?" Make a list of those qualities.

(2) From that list, pick out the two qualities that you most feel drawn to cultivate. Look to see what actions or practice will nurture the two qualities you identified. What can you do on a monthly, weekly, daily basis to let these qualities shine in full force in your life?

Are You Finally Fed Up With Being Fed Up?

Are you…
Sick of feeling stuck?
Tired of talking about change that never seems to happen?
Frustrated with feeling like you are never enough?

Week after week I hear stories from people who just can't seem to get out of their own way. They are still talking about the same twenty pounds, caught in the same cash crisis, trying to find their passion, and searching for their soulmate. Although their excuses and rationalizations about why nothing is changing in their lives have evolved and become more elaborate, their actual life circumstances have not! Many desperately try to convince themselves that at some point something will happen that will serve as the catalyst for real change. Yet underneath their wishful thinking lies a sense of sadness, resignation, frustration, and fear.  Unfortunately, they have lost trust in themselves and the benevolence of the Universe. They have forgotten what Glinda said to Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, "You had the power all along."

We all have the power inside us to create more passionately, to love more deeply, to experience our everyday life more joyfully, and to reach our full potential.

We just need to get to that point of being fed up with being fed up.

Most people say that pain is the great motivator for transformation, and that is true. Yet for me, the other great motivator that can catapult us from inertia to action and from stagnation to stupendousness is the intolerance of our own mediocrity!

When we can no longer tolerate our own excuses, patterns of paralysis and procrastination or days/decades of drama, change can happen. When we are finally willing to be straight with ourselves and admit that we're settling for mediocre results, and cooperating with the part of ourselves that tells us to play small, stay safe, and sell out, that is the kind of radical honesty needed to take the first step to creating a new future.

Turning the tide on mediocrity isn't a matter of stamping out fear and self-sabotage. It's a matter of reconnection. Rather than referring to the same old manual, referencing the same old limiting beliefs and non-serving behaviors for how to fix what isn't working in your life, it is time to connect to your higher self who knows exactly how to make your life a magical wonderland. This is the part of you that hungers to live life with an unapologetic aliveness and wants to contribute your remarkable gifts to this world. It knows exactly how to satisfy your needs and give you the something more that you are looking for.

So this week, instead of continuing to do what you have done in the past and thinking that all of a sudden it will miraculously create different results and then putting yourself down for being stuck, I want to encourage you to embrace that mediocre part of you.  

Use the energy of feeling fed up to catapult you into action, and …

1.    Declare that playing small, settling, and putting your dreams on the back-burner are no acceptable.

2.    Reconnect your soul’s desires.

3.    Defy the gravitational pull of your past.

4.    Harness the fuel of your intolerance and use it to launch yourself into a new level of consciousness.

It is time to declare your freedom from the limits of your past and to finally manifest and sustain the change you desire.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Look around your life. What are the areas and situations that you keep talking about changing? Where are you playing small, stuck, or achieving mediocre results?

(2) Note how many years you have been promising yourself that things would change. What are the costs of not taking those areas on and achieving what you desire?

(3) Tune into your voice of intolerance and hear what it tells you to do in each of these areas or situations. Is there an action you need to take, a commitment you need to make, or a structure you need to put in place to support you in achieving a new result?

Healing the Dis-ease of Entitlement

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the concept of entitlement -- that feeling so many of us have that we are owed something, that we have rights or deserve something to be the way we think it should be. Think of the times you have thought or had someone say to you:

• “I deserve to be treated a certain way, given certain things, or taken care of in a particular manner, because I am your child, parent, or friend.”

• “You owe me because I was there for you.”

• “The Universe should reward or repay me because I am a ‘good person.’”

Although our sense of entitlement gives us feelings of control and power, they are often illusory. Ultimately, we are giving our power away to the people we believe “owe us.”  And eventually we will become the victims of our own need to manipulate and control when the person we are trying to influence wakes up to the importance of honoring their own needs and wants as well as the realization living in their own truth is more important than trying to please or placate someone else’s desires.

Imposing our sense of entitlement upon others is a slippery slope.  It is a setup for resentment by everyone involved. Inevitably it creates disconnection and divisiveness with the people involved and ultimately you alienate and push away the ones you were trying to keep close.  

The good news is that the dis-ease of entitlement can be healed.  If you are ready to let go of the bonds of entitlement and create a deeper sense of connection, compassion, and co-ownership in your relationships, then I invite you to delve into my four tips for healing the dis-ease of entitlement.

Tip #1: Unravel Your Story of Entitlement

We all have entitlement stories and justifications about why a person owes us what they do.  Our stories of entitlement are often fortified by a lot of righteousness.  So much so that we actually believe them to be facts. We convince ourselves that we are actually owed certain things as result of our birthright or a role we play.  

I remember when my kids were teens and they saw their friends being given cars when they turned 16 years old.  I had to remind them that “cars didn’t come with your birth certificate.” Although they understood, I am sure that there was a part of them that believed (and the community that they lived in confirmed) that children were entitled to that first set of keys upon passing their driver’s test.

To heal the dis-ease of entitlement, the first thing we must do is unravel our stories of entitlement. We must to distinguish between the facts of the relationship -- she is my daughter, he is my partner, they are my parent or friend -- and the beliefs we hold about what we are owed or deserved as a result of those relationships.We need to ask ourselves questions like:

• What do I believe my parents owe me even though I am grown? 

• How do I think I should be rewarded by the Universe just because I am a kind and honest person, help others, live a clean life, etc.?

• What are the mandates I impose upon my friends or family in terms of how they should be acting or doing for me?

As you start to unravel your entitlement stories, allow yourself to not only see the conditions you are putting on your relationships but also the impact those conditions are having.

Tip #2: Distinguish Between Entitlement and Expectations

Although expectations have gotten a bad rap in our society and many a mantra tells us to “Exhale expectations and inhale intention,” when delving into this inquiry about entitlement, it’s important to take a fresh look at expectations.  Expectations can be healthy and useful, especially if they support us in understanding the dis-ease of entitlement.

The fact is that we are all human and as long as we are in relationship, there will be certain expectations we have of the people we are in relationship with.We expect or hope that our loved ones will treat us with respect, love, and kindness.Expectations, especially when communicated, agreed upon, and reciprocal, are a truly positive. They:

• are a recognition and honoring of our and the other person’s needs and wants, and

• serve as shared guidelines for the highest vision of the relationship.

Bottom line, healthy expectations are grounded in the “we” and founded upon the consideration of what is best for all of the parties of the relationship. They can and should be adjusted, especially if they go unmet and cause pain.  On the contrary, entitlement is all about one person.  It is grounded in the “I” and is uncompromising, causes polarization, and promotes dis-ease. 

Understanding that expectation says, “I need or would like you to,” whereas entitlement says, “You owe me,” we are left with the greatest gift of all -- the gift of choice. We can hold on to our sense of entitlement or commit to empowering healthy expectations in our lives and relationships. 

Tip #3: Step Into Your Next Level Of Trust and Responsibility

Although masked with an air of power, underneath our sense of entitlement lie feelings of fear, insecurity, lack, doubt and unworthiness.  We are not trusting in ourselves, the people around us, or the Universe.  We fear that if we don’t wield our sword of entitlement, we won’t get what we want, will lose love, will have to do it for ourselves, might not have what it takes to succeed, or will end up alone. 

To heal the dis-ease of entitlement, we must:

1. Get radically honest about our lack of trust, embrace our feelings of fear and doubt, and have compassion for the young child inside of us who still feels insecure, unworthy, not good enough and replaceable.

2. Get real about what it really is we are trying to get from others.  Are we trying to get them to love us, take care of us, or do it for us?

3. Trust that whatever we are uncovering is coming up for a reason.  It is coming up because we are meant to have a deeper understanding about something that is still unhealed inside of us.  Maybe we are meant to learn more about unconditional love, faith, or even our own greatness.

4. Take responsibility for giving ourselves what we are looking for from others. When we take responsibility for meeting our own needs, not only will our need to control diminish but our underlying fear and insecurity will diminish too as we begin to trust that we are capable of filling our own cup.

Tip #4: Practice Gratitude

As always, being grateful for what we have is a key ingredient in letting go of our tendency to want more from others.  Appreciating how people do show up and focusing on the 90 things they do right instead of the 10 they do “wrong” helps loosen the bonds of entitlement and frees everyone from being the victim of the relationship.

So, this week I invite you to join me in this inquiry of entitlement in relationships.  Delve into the transformational action steps below, and let me know how you are healing the disease of entitlement. 

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Unravel Your Stories of Entitlement.

• Make a list of the relationships in which you feel others owe you. Write down who they are, what you believe you owe them and what you believe is the cost or consequence if they don’t deliver or show up as you believe they should.  How do you react toward them? Do you push them away, withhold love, or punish them in some way?

• Make a list of the relationships in which you feel others believe that they are owed something by you.  Take note of who they are, what they believe you owe them, how you react, and how it makes you feel.

(2) Distinguish Between Entitlement and Expectations.  Start busting through your stories of entitlement.  How have your expectations about what you are owed by others become righteous and uncompromising?  Allow yourself to begin to feel the cost of entitlement. How does it make you feel?  How does it impact your relationships?

(3) Step Into Your Next Level Of Trust and Responsibility. Going deeper, look at:

• Your trust issues:  What are the fears and insecurities that have you impose your sense of entitlement on others?

• The lesson that is available:  What you are supposed to be learning?

• The next level of responsibility:  What do you need to give to or do for yourself, so you won’t have to impose it upon others?

(4) Practice Gratitude. Start looking at the all the ways the people in your life do show up for you and demonstrate their love for you.  Let what you find coat your consciousness and blanket you with the knowing that you are loved!

Life Can Be Easy - The Choice is Yours!

Do you remember when one of the big office supply stores developed the big red "Easy” button as a reminder to "keep things easy at work"? Years ago, one of my fellow staff members at The Ford Institute started bringing a big red "Easy" button to all of the in-person workshops and trainings we did. He would keep it out at the staff table at the back of the workshop room. It was actually a perfect reminder for all of us that an invitation for transformation exists in every moment and it can happen in an instant if we choose to open up and receive the invitation. Unfortunately, most people don't recognize the miracles that are always dancing right in front of them as well as their innate power and ability to shift what they are experiencing in each and every moment.

On a daily basis, I watch and hear stories about what I categorize as "people who are committed to struggle." Wherever they go and whatever they do, drama seems to follow them, upset happens, disappointment permeates every experience, and “little things” seem to always get blown out of proportion. Whether they realize it or not, they are on some level always looking for what is wrong and, as a result, they find it! Since they are committed to clinging to a past that has betrayed them, being the victim, and telling themselves stories that end "unhappily ever after," they miss the magic of the moment or anything good that might be coming their way or even standing right in front of them

But just like one glance at the big red "Easy" button can be the catalyst for transformation, we all have the choice to shift from struggle to ease in any situation. In order to do so, first you must be painfully honest with yourself about what's going on. If you are experiencing struggle and drama in more than one area of your life, in several situations, or with multiple people, then you have to be willing to recognize that you are the common denominator in the creation of this chaos. No matter what you might be saying you want - such as peace and quiet - there is something happening inside of you that is creating the friction, fighting, and fatigue.

Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.

If you are experiencing unrest in our outer world, then you must look within. You must take 100% responsibility for the reality you are experiencing. Take time to look at:

• Is there some belief you have or maybe adopted from your parents that "life is hard" or "life is about surviving and not thriving?"

• Is there some action, reaction, or pattern of behavior that you keep repeating that keeps you stuck in a cesspool of turbulence, disappointment, or discontent?

Or maybe the conflicts that you are experiencing in your outer world come from the conflict within yourself.

• Do you constantly have a demeaning dialogue running inside your head?

• Are you berating yourself for not being good enough, smart enough, or charismatic enough?

It's time to declare "Enough is enough!"

As the saying goes, "Struggle is optional!" If you want to switch from struggle to ease, the choice is yours. Now is the time to bust free from the past, to give up your righteous beliefs about how unfair or hard life is, to bring awareness to the voice of condemnation inside your head, and to call a truce to the internal war inside of you. When you start feeling ease within yourself, it will be reflected in your outer world.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Allow yourself to see how you are addicted to struggle or identify an area or situation in your life where you have created struggle.

( 2) Honestly evaluate the behaviors, actions, and patterns that you engage in that lead to struggle, the beliefs you have around struggle vs. ease, and the turbulent internal dialogue inside yourself that is being reflected in your outer world.

( 3) Allow yourself to identify what you could do to shift these behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts to promote more ease in your life. Take some of those actions and notice what changes.

(4) Set a strong intention to create more ease in your life and create a structure that will support you in manifesting your intention.

Tips For Overcoming Overcommitment & Overwhelm

Do you get anxious thinking about your “to-do” list?
Do you constantly wonder how you’re going to possibly get everything done?
Are you exhausted, feeling it’s your job to take care of everyone and everything?

The other day I was talking to a group of women.  Some had high power jobs, some worked part-time, and some not at all.  There were single moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms, grandmoms, and women whose children are older but are now taking care of their moms.  Although their circumstances differed, one of the issues they all had in common was feeling overcommitted and overwhelmed.  As they shared how they try to manage their lives, striving to find a sense of calm while juggling their obligations, tasks, and to-do lists, it became apparent that their tendency to multi-task was not only the source of their exhaustion but also a form self-sabotage.  They all agreed that something needed to shift but questioned how. Below are three tips for overcoming overcommitment and overwhelm. 

Tip #1: Define Your Top Two

I remember when I was first divorced and trying to navigate being a single mom, my career, daily life, and establishing some sort of social life. I felt an inner conflict if I was on my way to a date or some social engagement and one of my daughters called needing some support. I felt guilty if I was scheduled to teach a class on a night one of my children had a school play or sporting event. Although I might have been “achieving more,” I was enjoying less.  I quickly came to the realization that:

1. Despite my belief that "I could or should be able do it all," I could not.

2. My attempts to “do it all” diluted my ability to show up powerfully for any one thing.

It became evident that that unless I became clear about my priorities and define my top two, I would continue to experience this churning inside of me

Taking the time to list out and rank our priorities gives us clarity. Defining our top two priorities provides guidance and makes our lives much less stressful. When we use our top two priorities as our true north and commit to making choices that are in alignment with them, our decisions become clear, choices become simple, and actions flow easily.  Gone are the feelings agitation and frustration and all of the second-guessing.

Tip #2: Identify Your Structures For Success

Structure is another key ingredient in combatting overcommitment and overwhelm. As Debbie Ford wrote in her book The Best Year of Your Life, "Although the concept of structures may seem mundane, boring, and even stifling, structures are actually exciting, because they help us accomplish what we say we want to do...A solid structure is what provides the tangible steps to lead us clearly and inevitably to the life of our dreams." Creating realistic structures that are in alignment with our priorities supports us in managing our time, bolstering our energy and well-being, and augmenting our relaxation and joy.  Not only do they aid us in turning our goals and dreams into reality but also they provide us with a sense a balance, peace, and freedom.

Tip #3: Unconceal What Drives You To Overcommit

If you listen to anyone who is feeling overwhelmed rattle off their list of commitments, it is easy to become exhausted just listening to the plethora of “active projects” and obligations on their plate.  Without question, it is our tendency to overcommit that keeps us in a state of overwhelm.

So, what drives us to keep overcommitting even though we know our plate is full and feel like we can’t handle one more thing?

Our tendency to overcommit comes from a shadow. It comes from our need to:

• prove that we are smart enough, worthy enough, or successful enough,

• please others, or

• obtain validation, approval, and applause from the outside world.

Yet, the problem is our tendency to overcommit is actually a form of self-sabotage.  When we overcommit we generally spread ourselves too thin and tend to never finish any one thing, which leaves us feeling inadequate, incapable, or just plain bad about ourselves. Unconcealing your need to prove that you are superhuman, giving up your compulsion to do it all, being willing to disappoint others by saying "no," creating boundaries, defining priorities, giving yourself the luxury to focus on your priorities, having accountability, and creating solid structures will support you in getting off the treadmill of overcommitment and overwhelm and set you on the straight line to success!

Bottom line, when you define your priorities, you automatically become your top priority.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Take time to look at your to-do list, “active projects,” and obligations. Make sure to look at all the different areas of your life: family, relationships, work, children, health, home, planning a trip or big event, etc.

(2) List out and rank your priorities.  Be sure to define your top two and let them serve as your guiding light.

(3) Identify five to ten structures that you have or could add to your life that would make it run more smoothly and support you in achieving your priorities. Think of things like doing all of your grocery shopping and meal prep on Sunday, dedicating Thursday nights to extreme self-care, exercising daily, or having dinner with a friend once a week.

Don’t forget to add fun and relaxation onto your to-do list and into your schedule.

Cutting The Cords Of Family Dysfunction

Day after day, I have people who come to me because they feel stuck in their relationships. Although their circumstances may be unique, their themes are common.  They:

• Become masters at avoiding or denying what’s really going on in their relationships or household,

• Numb out with food, alcohol, or work so they don’t have to feel their pain or resignation,

• Pacify their partners because they don’t want to upset them and deal with their wrath,

• Tolerate situations that are intolerable, unhealthy, or just soul-crushing,

• Stay in the relationship because they have fear of leaving and the unknown.

They desperately want support in breaking free from their non-serving patterns and behaviors and are ready to do the work necessary to create a shift. 

Although initially most think they are doing the work for themselves, which they are, they soon realize that their commitment to change is much bigger than they are.  They realize that the dysfunctional patterns which they are exhibiting, experiencing, and enduring in their relationships and household have been in their family for generations and will more than likely remain in their family for generations to come unless someone has the courage and desire to cut the cords of dysfunction that are woven into the fabric of the family.  

Having three daughters, I remember promising myself that “I would be different,” “the environment I created in my home and with my children would be different than the one I was raised in,” and “I would never act in the ways that my parents did that caused me pain, shame, or embarrassment.”  I was adamant that I did not want my daughters to inherit the non-serving behaviors that sabotaged myself, my mother, and all the generations of women before us. Yet, before I knew it, I was exhibiting these same non-serving behaviors and had recreated many of the dysfunctional behaviors from my past.  Realizing that something needed to change so that my children could learn from our family dysfunction instead of drown in it, I became the self-appointed agent of change in my family lineage or what I endearingly refer to as the “legacy-shifter!”

So, what does it take to be a legacy-shifter in your family?

Below are a few helpful tips.

Tip #1: You must sign up for the job. 

Like all great movements, there has to be that moment when someone declares “Enough is enough!” and emphatically claims that they are taking on the role of the agent of change.  A legacy-shifter is the person in the family that draws that proverbial line in the sand.  It is their own pain of pretending that things are okay as well as their intolerance of passing the family dysfunction onto the next generation that is the catalyst for them to not only sign up for the job but see it as their calling.  Although no one else may ever know that someone signed up for this role of being the agent of change in the family, the legacy-shifter’s commitment to creating new ways of being, interacting, communicating, and behaving serves as their true north as they take on the role of being the warrior of truth and transformation in the family.  

Tip #2: Choose truth over harmony. 

Let’s face it, most of our tendencies to step over our truth, tolerate the status quo, ignore the elephant in the living room, not stir the pot, cover up the family secrets, and avoid dealing with what is really going on, comes from our affinity of choosing harmony over truth.But that all changes once someone signs up to be the legacy- shifter. Legacy-shifters are:

• radically honest about what is really going on in their family dynamic,

• willing to do the deep internal work necessary to unconceal how they have recreated their past and brought the dysfunction of their family of origin into the living room of their nuclear family, and

• prepared to take responsibility for not only how they have co-created issues in the past but also for how they will do things differently in the future.

In some families, this new way of being may not be easy or welcome.  Living in the paradigm of harmony over truth gave everyone permission to not have to deal with things, change, step up to plate, be responsible, or act maturely.  There may be pushback from your partner, children, or other family members.  They may have liked you better when you just went along with the status quo instead of standing up for change.  This is why the legacy-shifter needs to be more committed to the possibility of what can be than the complacency of what was. Being the legacy-shifter might be a tough job at first…but think about how tough it would be to continue to live in the lie that “everything’s fine.”

Tip #3: Create a new family code of conduct. 

Change comes with action.If you are going to create a shift in the family dynamic, then the old set of “rules,” must be replaced with a new code of conduct. Being clear and specific about what this new code entails is essential. Not only will clarity make it easier for you to follow but it will also make it easier to communicate to others. This new code of conduct should include what will no longer be tolerated, like:

• avoiding the truth,

• withholding love,

• speaking disrespectfully to each other,

• taking your frustration out on others,

• not being honest with one another,

• talking behind each other’s backs, or

• taking over-responsibility for someone else’s happiness.

It may also include structures that your family needs to implement like:

• respecting each other’s choices, requests, and differences,

• listening,

• allowing each other to have, feel and express their emotions,

• being supportive instead of judgmental, and

• boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries!

When I first came up with my new code of conduct, my children were young and the code was more about the shifts that I wanted and needed to make.  As my daughters got older, not only did I share with them the shifts I was committed to implementing but we also authored some new agreements together.

Tip #4: Be willing to bust yourself. 

Many of our dysfunctional patterns, beliefs, and behaviors have been in our families for decades and passed down from generation to generation.  They are part of our DNA and embedded in the wiring of our operating system.  Think of how automatic it is to remain silent, run away, shut down, push each other away, take our anger and frustration out on those we love, or be run by our need to control, fix everything, or be perfect.  As they say, “old habits are hard to break.”   Legacy-shifters are not perfect. Their perfection comes from their commitment to change and their humility to admit when they have mis-stepped.  As one travels down this road of family reinvention, the old automatic ways of being may pop up.  The important thing is to be able to bust yourself if you slip and, if your family is all on board, to give each other permission to letting each other know when someone is out of integrity.  Busting yourself is not beating yourself up. Instead it is about acknowledging and making amends for whatever happened so that you get back on the road to reinvention. 

So, if you, like me, are committed to the next generation standing on the shoulders of the past, then I invite you to step into the role of legacy-shifter in your family.  It’s not meant to disparage or dishonor anyone or anything from the past, but to liberate and empower those in the present, so a new future can be forged.  

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Make a list of the patterns and behaviors in your nuclear family that sabotage and undermine the family dynamic.

(2) Spend time thinking about how these patterns and behaviors were exhibited or existed in your family of origin.  How has the environment of your family of origin been re-created in your nuclear family?

(3) Dwell in the cost of perpetuating these non-serving behaviors.

(4) Create a new family code.  Write down what you will do differently.  What behaviors will no longer be tolerated? Be specific.  If need be, feel free to amend, add to, or change your code as you go along.

Creating Your Perfect Day

Can you imagine that in just a few days it will be August?
Have you gotten around to doing all the things that you said you would do this summer?
Have you had that “perfect” summer day?

I am big believer in creating perfect days! Although it tends to happen more when I am on vacation or weekends, a few times a month I religiously wake up and declare “Let’s have a perfect day.” 

Now I know that some people tend to shudder at the word “perfect” since being a perfectionist or trying to get things “perfect” has caused them pain or utter exhaustion. So, when I talk about a “perfect day,” it is not about some ideal of perfection or creating a day with moments that look picture perfect on Instagram.  It’s about creating a day that is perfect for you and the people partaking in your perfect day.

So, what does it take to create a perfect day?  Below are some of my essential ingredients.

Essential Ingredient #1: Set an Intention

An intention is a mandate.  It is a commitment you make to yourself and sometimes with others to manifest a certain result.  To set the stage for your perfect day you must declare it.  If others are in, great.  If not, let them do their own thing.  The intention to create a perfect day needs to be desired and shared by all involved since the mandate to have a perfect day acts as a true north and the organizing principle for all.

Essential Ingredient #2: Make a Plan

Once your intention is set, you need to make a plan.  All the conversation about “having a perfect day” is just wishful thinking unless you ground it in action.  “Perfect days” don’t need to be expensive, filled with activities, or anything “big” or life-changing.  Most of my perfect days generally involve either being outside and active or staying in bed, snuggling, and binge-watching something on TV. 

As you’re planning your perfect day, it’s not only important to figure out what, where, with whom, and when, but I encourage you to think about how.  How do you want to feel as you go through or at the end of your day? Do you want to feel full, overflowing with love, nurtured, or excited?  If you think about the most extraordinary days in your life, it wasn’t so much about what you did but how you felt that made them so memorable.

Essential Ingredient #3: Be Aware of Your Level of Consciousness 

Perfect days are largely determined by the level of consciousness you bring to each and every moment of that day. If you check out, start looking for what’s wrong or isn’t working, or stress about the small stuff, chances are your perfect day won’t look and feel that perfect.  But the good news is that at any moment we have the power to choose our level of consciousness. At any moment we have the power to:

• look at what’s right instead of what’s wrong, 

• stop dwelling in the past or worrying about the future and bring ourselves present, and

• focus on the big picture instead of any minor annoyances. 

Transformation is a shift in consciousness. When you choose to veer off of the level of consciousness that you have been operating from and move to a different level of consciousness, your vibration shifts and your life and the world look different. To keep your perfect day going perfectly, consistently ask yourself,  

“What level of consciousness am I bringing to this moment?”

 and let that answer be the springboard for turning a moment of despair into a moment of delight.

So while you are still enjoying some of the slower days of summer, I invite you to join me in creating some perfect days.  It is a great tradition to start with your family as well as a beautiful act of self-care!

Be sure and let me know how it goes!

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Set an intention: Wake up one morning and declare “Today’s going to be a perfect day!”  Whether it’s just you or with a family member, see who’s in or out, and set the intention to make your perfect day happen.

(2) Make your plan:  Think about what you want to do, where you want to go, whom you want to be with, what you want to eat or drink.  You can plan in advance or take the day as it comes.  If you do decide to be more in the moment, then continue to ask yourself, “What would be the most loving, nurturing, enjoyable, and perfect thing I/we can do in this moment?” and let those answers lead.

(3) Be aware of your level of consciousness: Notice what level of consciousness you are bringing to every moment.  Practice operating from different levels.  If you see your enthusiasm start to diminish or if the nay-sayer in you starts to come forth, ask yourself “What level of consciousness am I bringing to this moment?” and consciously practice replacing one level of consciousness with another.

If you truly want to live beyond your limits and step in infinite possibilities, then I invite you to join me and some of the world’s greatest visionaries and manifesters for “Global Gathering 2019 - The Summer of Infinite Potential” August 23rd to 26th in Phoenix, Arizona. I can promise you that after 3 days with this amazing group of people you will feel turned on, lit up and ready to claim your power, expand your possibilities and transform your life!

Step Out Of Your Outdated Definition of Self!

Have you ever told yourself “That’s not me!” “I’m not the type of person who would…” or “Not in a million years would I…”?

Day after day, I hear stories from people who are certain about who they are, how they will react to situations, and what is or isn’t in their realm of possibilities.

They tell themselves things like:

• I will never...get divorced, get married again, date someone ten years older or younger than myself.

• There is no way I could...sing karaoke, speak in public, live anywhere but NYC, travel by myself, jump out of a plane.

• It’s not important to me or I don’t care about…having a child, getting involved with politics, making money.

• I could never... set a boundary, be selfish, lazy, or cheap, act spoiled, be friends with that person, emotionally survive the loss of a loved one.

But then something happens and boom - they are confronted with an opportunity or some situation that challenges their belief system. They are challenged with giving up control and being vulnerable. They are faced with letting go of the safety of the self they have known and defined themselves to be. They are tested with the dilemma of remaining in or breaking free from their self-imposed box.

Although I am a great believer in being aware of who we are and what we stand for, learning from our past, and being conscious of what has and has not served our highest, I have also come to realize that:

Thinking we know ourselves minimizes ourselves.

Many of our self-imposed rules, although masquerading in the guise of “this is who I am” and "this is what is best for me," come from our ego's need to control, be “right,” and to protect us.  Driving this ego's need is generally a deep-seated fear that if we let go or at all digress from the self or beliefs that we think we know, our lives might spin out of control.

However, when you label it, you limit it.  The costs of being attached to the self we think we are and have defined our self to be are great. Our choices become limited. Our thinking becomes narrowed. Our present becomes a repeat of our past. We live a life dictated by who we were yesterday. And, any new possibilities for the future cease to exist because we become stuck in the rigidity of our righteousness of who we think we are.  We lose touch with the fact that our righteous positions are not the truth, but thoughts that we have turned into truths and that our attachment to our outdated sense of self are rooted in insecurity and fear and blind us to seeing a reality greater than narrow view of self.

The truth is that in any moment we have the choice to step out of the definition of the person we have known are self to be and step into the person we are meant to become.

To do this requires two essential ingredients: humility and surrender.

Humility is the antidote to righteousness. It enables us to relinquish control as well as our need to be “right.” It liberates us with the freedom that comes with finally being able to admit that we don’t have a clue. It is the prelude to surrender.

When we surrender, we are finally able to let go and free ourselves from the attachment of our definition of self.  Instead of resisting change and limiting self-growth, surrender allows us to change, redefine who we are, grow and flow with the current of our evolutionary process. 

For me, a person who always tried to "get it right" and keep myself safe, it is now with a sigh of relief and a smile that I can admit, "I have no clue!" And that is the good news! The fact is the Universe holds countless amazing and inspiring futures.Thinking I know who I am and what is possible, I might miss the invitation to live and become something beyond my wildest imagination.

So this week I invite you to join me in challenging your definition of self.As Lao Tzu said,

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

Transformational Action Steps

1. Make a list of some of your self-imposed rules as well as the ways in which you define yourself.If you need help, then finish these sentences:

• I will never…

• There is no way I could…

• It’s not important to me or I don’t care about…

• I could never…

2.  Think about how these rules or definitions actually limit you and what would be possible if you didn’t live inside these limits.

3. Challenge yourself to take do something outside your limited definition of self.

If you truly want to live beyond your limits and step in infinite possibilities, then I invite you to join me and some of the world’s greatest visionaries and manifesters for “Global Gathering 2019 - The Summer of Infinite Potential” August 23rd to 26th in Phoenix, Arizona. I can promise you that after 3 days with this amazing group of people you will feel turned on, lit up and ready to claim your power, expand your possibilities and transform your life!

3 Keys To Emotional Independence

Happy Independence Day - the day we celebrate our “unalienable rights” to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and freedom!  Now of course there are many ways to achieve living life to the fullest, feeling liberated, and attaining happiness, but I can promise you that if you truly want to let freedom ring, then you must foster emotional independence.    Emotional independence is being able to stand in your power, and to make choices based on what is in your highest versus as a reaction to external circumstances. And the crazy thing is, that even though “unalienable rights” are defined as those that cannot be surrendered, transferred, given away to, or revoked by another, the fact is that most of us give away our power when it comes to emotional independence and let outside sources rob of us our joy, equilibrium, internal knowing, and sense of self.

So, if your day, mood, or reactions are being controlled by:

• the way your butt and thighs look in your jeans,

• whether a person you are dating asks you out for Saturday night or texts you the day after you slept together,

• a disagreement you’ve had with a family member,

• someone else’s opinion of you, or

• your desire to numb out and avoid dealing with certain situations,

then chances are you need some support in fostering emotional independence.

Here are 3 tips to aid you on your path to true freedom.

Tip #1: Befriend the Full Spectrum of Your Emotions 

Most of us have a strained relationship with our emotions.  We have been trained or trained ourselves not to feel. We have become masters at distancing ourselves from and suppressing our emotions, shutting down, numbing out, keeping busy, and staying in our heads, all so that we don’t have to feel what we perceive will be hurtful.  In our efforts to protect ourselves from potential pain, we lose access to some of our greatest tools and teachers - our emotions!  Our emotions are our greatest guide.  Like an all- knowing GPS, they are there to inform us when something feels off or right for us. Yet, the problem is, we can’t learn from something we refuse to look at.  To cultivate emotional independence, we must allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of our emotions, to use them as learning tools and guides, and to freely express them in healthy and constructive ways. 

Tip #2: Take A U-Turn Back To Yourself

Most of us look to the outer world for love, validation, affirmation, and stability. We are emotionally dependent on others as well as external circumstances to fill our cup, make our day, and inform our sense of self. However, as long as we keep looking outside ourselves for our answers as well as our self-worth, we will never feel free.  To foster emotional independence, we must take a U-turn back to ourselves.  We must learn to go inward and tap into our truth. We must become self-referred.  Self-referral is a way of continually looking to yourself instead of the outer world for approval, answers, and guidance. It empowers you to clear away the voices of society, friends, family, and the people-pleaser inside of you that is looking for love and validation so that you can finally connect with your inner wisdom (as well as your likes and wants) and live in your authenticity.

Tip #3: Step Into Radical Responsibility

To feel safe enough to live in our truth, confident enough to follow our gut, and liberated enough to live authentically, we must be able to trust ourselves.  But unfortunately, deep down inside most of us don’t trust ourselves.  And why should we? 

How many times have we:

•  said we would speak up, and then sat silent,

• known the person was not right for us, but stayed in a relationship out of comfort or convenience,

• promised ourselves that this week things would be different, only to break that promise to ourselves by Tuesday?

We break promises to ourselves all of the time. And it is all of these broken promises, that fosters our lack of self-trust and whittles away at our ability to be emotionally independent. To turn the tides on distrust and bolster our sense of emotional independence, we must turn words into action and step into radical responsibility. 

Radical responsibility means taking 100% responsibility not only for the emotions we are feelings but also our capacity to listen to, honor, and act upon these emotions.  To be emotionally independent we must be able to count on ourselves, our ability to make and carry out high-level choices and actions, as well as our capability to navigate life in a healthy, effective, and self-honoring way.

So this week I invite you to join me in exploring and celebrating the gift of emotional independence.  As Debbie Ford said in her book Courage,

"When you have emotional independence,
you want for nothing because you have everything.”

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Befriend the Full Spectrum of Your Emotions:  Begin a practice of tuning in and connecting to your emotions.  A few times each day, make an effort to pause from whatever it is you are doing and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”  It may sound odd, but the truth is many people have no idea what they are feeling at any given moment.  It takes pausing from what you are doing and tuning into your feelings on a consistent basis to get connected to even emotional world.  And remember, this exercise is not about doing anything with what you are feeling, for example if you are feeling sad, nervous, anxious, you don’t need to try to fix it.  This exercise is just about developing a deep relationship with your emotional world.

(2) Take a U-turn Back to Yourself: Start noticing how much you give your power away to others.  Notice how much you look to others for love, approval and your answers.  When you feel yourself looking to the external world for others, picture yourself taking that U-turn back to yourself.  Ask yourself questions like:  “What is right for me in this situation?” or “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?” Practice tapping into to your answers.

(3) Step Into Radical Responsibility:  It’s time to fortify your muscle of self-trust with action.  After asking yourself questions like: “What is right for me in this situation?” or “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?” you must act upon what you are hearing.

If you feel called to take back your power and ignite your sense of emotional independence, then I invite you to join me and some of the world’s greatest visionaries and manifesters for “Global Gathering 2019 - The Summer of Infinite Potential” August 23rd – 26th in Phoenix, Arizona. I can promise you that after 3 days with this amazing group of people you will feel turned on, lit up and ready to claim your power, expand your possibilities and transform your life!

Are You Having Fun Yet?

Happy Summer!  The season of relaxation, vacations, warm weather, and FUN!  But after teaching hundreds of programs and working with thousands of people, I know that the reality is most people have a hard time having fun!   We have a hard time putting their to-do lists down, kicking back, and prioritizing our need to just have fun.   And when it comes to comparing our level of satisfaction as well as the time and effort we put into having fun, especially when compared to other areas of their life, having fun generally ranks last on the list. 

Can you relate?

So, even though we are all so quick to say “Have Fun!” and it feels like it should be a relatively easy task to do, then why is it so damn difficult for so many of us to just…have fun? What is it that gets in our way? And, what can we do to increase our capacity to enjoy?

Below are three tips to support you in having more… “Hot Fun in The Summertime!”

Tip #1: Uncover Your “Fun Blocks”

Chances are, something happened in your youth which impacted your ability to have fun.  Whether as a child,

●      you were admonished or even punished for being irresponsible or lazy,

●      you were told “Hard work pays off!” or raised in an environment where you felt the need to prove your worth, or

●      you or someone around you was  put down or even shamed for being “bad,” “the class clown,” “party girl,” or “mess up,” something happened that made you feel that it was wrong or unsafe to relax and enjoy.

As you may know, our shadows are the parts of ourselves, the qualities that we disown, don’t like, don’t want to be or feel shame around displaying because we judge them as wrong or embarrassing. Shadows are born as a result of the beliefs of our family, community, or the environment we were raised in or because of some event that happened when we are young. So, when it comes to fun, not wanting to be lazy or frivolous, feeling shame around being called irresponsible or unproductive, being raised in an environment that rewarded hard work over enjoyment, or just being raised in an environment that was toxic, sterile, or serious, can all impact and limit our ability to go for the gusto and just enjoy life.

To break through your fun blocks, you need to start by looking back and asking yourself questions like:

“What happened that had me disown the fun part of myself?” 
“What happened that made me feel that having fun was bad or not safe?”

Just by bringing awareness to what happened and realizing that it was the sweet, innocent child inside of you who wanted to be loved and accepted that was afraid to have fun, might transform your ability to have fun. By finding compassion for that child who felt unsafe to have fun, you can finally give them and yourself permission to play!

Tip #2: Change Your Relationship With Fun

Most of us have a conditional relationship with fun. We see it as a reward.  Dating back to our childhood and being told that we needed to “finish our homework” or “do our chores” before we could play, these messages altered our relationship with fun. 

Fun wasn’t a right or a necessity, but a privilege that needed to be earned and was often doled out sparingly.  For some, fun became an unattainable dream, because it could only be attained by making a certain amount of money, when everything was “perfect,” or when we could finally prove that we were good or deserving enough to stop doing and start enjoying.  In order to step into having more fun, we need to shift our relationship with it and begin seeing it through new eyes.

What if you viewed fun as your birthright instead of a reward?

The truth is that not only do we have a right to have fun, but it is a necessity!

Fun and relaxation are part of our self-care. They impact our mood, health, creativity, vitality, as well as our connection to others.  They help us recharge and rejuvenate and get our juices flowing so that we will actually be more productive, effective, energetic, and enthusiastic.  To change our relationship with fun, we need to start thinking about it differently. To play without guilt, we need to acknowledge the importance of fun and to own that we are worthy and deserving of self-care!

Tip #3: Schedule in Fun

I know that fun is supposed to feel spontaneous and free.  To some, “scheduling” in anything feels laborious and the exact opposite of fun. But the fact is, how many summers have we said we were going to do something, and before we knew it September was here and we never got around to taking that Friday off, swimming after dinner, making ice-cream, or having that family outing or girlfriend gathering?

Setting aside time for fun and relaxation can be difficult.  Sticking to the leisure plans we’ve  made can be even harder since other more “pressing matters” tend to come up, guilt sets in, and we all have dozens of excuses as to why we can’t do something or need to cancel.

So, just like we did when we were kids or most of us do or did for our children, we need to schedule play dates! We need to designate time in our schedules that are just for play and relaxation.  You don’t necessarily need to know what you are going to do when you make room for fun in your schedule, that can be spontaneous, but if you don’t schedule it in and commit to it, it is likely to never happen!

So if you are ready to have more fun this summer, create a structure for planning ahead and scheduling in play days!  Chances are you will be happier and healthier for it! 

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Uncover Your Fun Blocks: Become curious as to what happened that impacted your ability to have fun and dwell in the questions:

“What happened that had me disown the fun part of myself?” 

“What happened that made me feel that having fun was bad or not safe?”

(2) Change Your Relationship With Fun:

-       Think about the conditions you put on your relationship with fun.  When do you allow yourself to have fun?  Is it a reward or a right? 

-       Next expand your thinking and ask yourself what would be possible if you allowed yourself to have more fun? How would your life be different? What would you have more of?

(3) Schedule in Fun:

-       Grab your calendar and schedule in times designated for having fun.

-       Make a list of the things that bring you joy or that are on your bucket list. Think about the things you used to enjoy as a kid, the things you’ve been saying you want to do. Invite your friends and family to join in your fun. Come up with family bucket list ideas, girlfriend adventures, and write them down and schedule in now.

Hope you...have fun!

If you feel drawn to the notion of having more fun in every aspect of your life, then I invite you to join me and some of the world’s greatest visionaries and manifesters for “Global Gathering 2019 - The Summer of Infinite Potential” August 23rd - 26th in Phoenix, Arizona. I can promise you that after 3 days with this amazing group of people you will feel turned on, lit up and ready to claim your power, expand your possibilities and transform your life!

And please share with someone who you think would resonate with this messaging today!

Igniting the Fire of Your Inner Desire!

I am always in awe of people who start with a passing conversation or idea and then actually make it happen! Many of us have a great thought or a brainstorm yet it never gets off the ground or comes to fruition. So when it comes to creating something from nothing, doing something you have never done before, or putting yourself out there in a whole new way, what drives those who do versus those who just think or talk about it? What have they tapped into inside themselves that fuels their fire and carries their commitment?

Answer? Desire!

Desire is the most important catalyst for bringing about radical change.

It is the spark that ignites the flame of your soul and illuminates your innate creativity, passion, and vision. It is the impulse that seeds your ambition and sources your energy to share your unique talents with the world. It is fuel that has you go through whatever tests, training, or development necessary to be all that you can be.

In its purest form, desire drives you to let go of the safety of your status-quo. It makes you want something so badly that you are willing to do whatever it takes in order to manifest your dreams. Yet generally desire does not come without a long list of doubts! And for many of us it is our fear, insecurity, or doubt that has derailed the pursuit of our desires.

To stoke our internal fire so we can keep driving toward the destination of our desires, we must:

1. Stop denying our desires and give voice to that which we long for in our heart. We must name and claim our desire before it can materialize in the outer world.
   

2. Make a commitment to not only manifest our desire but also to not quit on ourselves if the going gets tough. Accepting from the beginning that this is new and there will be real setbacks, roadblocks, and challenges makes it easier to lean in, hold on, and navigate the speed bumps along the way.
   

3. Have the compassion and patience we would have for others if they were taking on something new. When those bumps in the road appear, instead of beating ourselves up, we must speak to ourselves the way we would to a friend we admire for having the guts to take on something new.
   

4. Ignite our confidence and courage. To walk through the unknown, have trust in ourselves and our abilities, and take on whatever is being thrown at us along the road of creation and manifestation takes confidence and courage. They are the antidote to our fear as well as “the wind beneath our wings” when it comes to moving forward and living in alignment with our deepest desires.

Every day we have the opportunity to unearth the desires that may be covered over with days or years of fear and resignation. Do not wait another day to become fully engaged in your life and to live with greater purpose and meaning. This is not a dress rehearsal! You can create your own red carpet experience.

Transformational Action Steps 

(1) Give voice to that which your heart longs for and make a list of your desires. Think about the things that you want to achieve in the outer world and those that you long to feel inside. Do you want more peace, more love, a clearer sense of purpose, greater peace of mind? If so, write it down. Do you desire more money, more friends, a soulmate, a child, or a new career? If so, write it down. This is the time to list all of your desires without censoring yourself. Be honest. Be bold.

(2) Create an action plan.  To turn your dreams into reality it takes action.  Now that you’ve given voice to your desire, map out an action plan that includes goals and milestones.  Yes, the plan may take twists and turns along the way and you may need to alter it.  But you need to start somewhere.  Create the plan.  Make sure you check in every week to determine what action steps you should be taking that week.  Review the plan every few weeks to see if it needs any revisions.  It’s amazing what happens when you take consistent action steps toward the destination of your desires!

If you feel drawn to the notion of “Igniting The Fire Of Your Inner Desire” and know in your soul that it’s time, then I invite you to join me and some of the world’s greatest visionaries and manifesters for “Global Gathering 2019 - The Summer of Infinite Potential” August 23rd – 26th in Phoenix, Arizona. I can promise you that after 3 days with this amazing group of people you will feel turned on, lit up, and ready to claim your power, expand your possibilities, and transform your life!

How to Live Beyond Your Limits

“We’re not the cause, we’re the effect.” - Nipsey Hussle

I am always in awe of the divine design of life. A true believer in the philosophy that “there are no coincidences,” I am always fascinated by the people who cross my path. Whether it be someone I am standing next to in a long line or the person who sits next to me at seminar, workshop, or dinner party, I am always curious as to what the connection will be and why we are crossing each other’s path at that moment in time. This is especially true when I travel – I am always intrigued to see who will be in the seat next to me and why.

About nine months ago, I was flying from Miami to Los Angeles. Trained to get on the plane as early as you can to get that overhead space, I was all settled in and just waiting for my flying partner to appear. A man in his thirties wearing big gold with diamonds chains finally came and claimed the seat next to me. As he got comfortable in his window seat, I realized that many of the people walking by seemed to know and pay homage to him with a high-five, thumbs-up, or some sort of gesture of recognition and respect. Now totally curious as to who he was, I decided to ask. He humbly and gracefully explained that he was a rapper. Later he shared that his name was Nipsey Hussle.

Admittedly, I had no idea who he was. However, being someone who works with so many people who feel stuck, cannot get out of their own way, or remain the victim of their past or some life situation, I am always in awe of the people who manage to move past their stories of victimization - “Oh woe is me” or “life is unfair” - and manifest huge success. Wanting to learn more about who he was and what had driven him, we chatted for a while. He shared about where he had come from, his family, his work ethic, his different business ventures, and all that he was doing to give back to the community. Reflecting on all he had created, he said that what really struck him is that one day he woke up and found that he had “crossed that imaginary line.”

My conversation with Nipsey has stuck with me. The fact is, whether we realize it or not, most of us have this imaginary (or, for some people, very vivid), line of what we think is possible. We have stories filled with limiting beliefs about what we think we can achieve or manifest in our lifetime. Think of the times you have told yourself that you can’t do, have, or achieve something because of your age, background, physical appearance, finances, education, or life circumstances.

Think of the times you believed thoughts such as, I’m:

• from the wrong side of town to ever amount to anything,

• too old to start a new career,

• not educated enough to get a better job or pursue my passion,

• destined to live a life just like or no bigger than my parents,

• not significant or engaging enough to fit in with a certain group of people, or

• not fit, good-looking, or interesting enough to find love

Whether we realize it or not, we are drawing a line in the sand that more likely than not will become an unscalable wall.

But here is the thing. The line is not real! It is made up of thoughts and stories that we have repeated to ourselves so many times that we have come to believe they are the truth!

But they are not.

That is why it is crucial to learn to bust our beliefs and to start consciously distinguishing between thoughts and truths.

Truths are facts. They are details that can be verified by others, like: I am __ years old, I am single, my level of education is ___ . Our thoughts are the meanings we attach to these facts. They are not truths but interpretations. Unfortunately, most of us tend to create negative interpretations of the facts of our life and it is the limiting stories and beliefs that we make up that keep us stuck, never crossing or even realizing that we have drawn this imaginary line that is in the way of us reaching our desires.

The good news is that just like we are the ones who drew the line and created the self-imposed barriers, we have the power to obliterate them. How? By changing our thoughts.

There are two kinds of thoughts. There are those that imprison us and those that empower us. Since neither category of thought is more true than the other, at any moment we can replace a thought that imprisons us with the one that empowers us. We can go from “stinking thinking” and always believing, “I am not…” and “I cannot…” to the power of positivity and the realization that “I am…” and “I can…” We can cross over the line and bust through the barriers that we once might have thought were impenetrable road blocks.

It was never my intention to ever write about this concept of the imaginary line. It was Nipsey’s story to tell and after a little encouragement, he agreed it would make a great song.

Like many of you, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Nipsey Hussle was murdered a few months ago. I am still not 100% sure why our paths crossed that day on the airplane, but I do know as a tribute to him, a person who I probably would have never met in my day-to-day life, but for some reason sat next to on a 5-hour flight, it felt fitting to share what I learned from him.

It is vital that all of us realize that transformation is a shift in perception. By shifting our thoughts from those that imprison us to those that empower us, we can bust through the confines of our smallest thoughts and enjoy the vastness of a life beyond our wildest dreams.

So this week I invite you to start uncovering the lines you might have drawn.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Think about a goal or desire you have.

(2) As you ponder this goal or desire, be aware of the negative thoughts that flood your mind and tell you why you can’t have this goal. Write these down.

(3) Allow yourself to really see how these negative thoughts have stopped you, kept you stuck, and have created a line between what you desire and what you are experiencing.

(4) Now replace the thoughts. Since they are just interpretations, see if you can replace the thoughts that imprison you with ones that empower you.

(5) Let these empowering thoughts be the “wind beneath your wings” as you create a plan to realize your desires.

To gain even more insight on how to cross the invisible line to live a life of integrity and abundance, you can read my book The Integrity Advantage or book a one-on-one session with me. If you want to learn more about how to love yourself and your body, please join me at my upcoming in-person workshop ‘The Body Shadow: From Self-Loathing to Self-Loving’ hosted by Omega June 14th-16th, 2019.

Stop Covering Your Butt!

When I recently attended a bootcamp class at my gym, I noticed this adorable twenty-something standing next to me. Although I have seen her before, I have never talked to her. Truth is, she generally works out every morning at 6 AM, whereas I stumble in at 7 AM. I have in the past overheard some of her conversations. They generally revolve around what she is eating and her asking advice from others since she is “starving herself and not losing any more weight.” Having been in that situation for a huge portion of my life, I have had tremendous empathy for her. Although part of me wanted to jump right in and save her, I could hear my three daughters (who are also in their twenties) in my head saying, “Mom, don’t be scary!” So beyond complimenting her whenever I could and was appropriate, I kept my scary-self quiet.

But on this day, my mind was on overdrive, stunned by the news that continues to come out of the growing number of reports of sexual assault and harassment as part of the #MeToo movement and of the women (and men) whom were silenced by the shadow of shame and frozen by fear.

In my mind, the battle-cry that kept sounding louder and louder was “Enough is enough!” It compelled me to look once again at my own life as well as in the world to see “In what situations and circumstances am I or others compromising, settling, accepting the unacceptable, quieting our voice, or stepping over our truth?”

I literally took on proactively walking through the world looking through the eyes of “Enough is enough!” not in a judgmental or make-wrong way but more in a social justice kind of way – a way of really looking at “Who do I want to be in the world? What do I want to stand for? and What can I no longer tolerate?” (This was very much motivated by what I wrote in an older blog post entitled “Join The Integrity Movement” and taking on being the change I want to see in the world.)

So that day, as I looked over at this beautiful being who was working out so hard, I was saddened and disturbed to see her wearing a sweatshirt tied around her waist, covering her butt! Now let me preface this by saying that I live in Miami where it is close to 90 degrees. No one needs or is wearing a big bulky sweatshirt. Having also spent many years literally and figuratively covering my ass, I knew exactly what this girl was doing and why! She was covering her ass because of shame!

In my book The Integrity Advantage, I have a chapter dedicated to what I call “Integrity Snatchers.” Integrity Snatchers are the constant companions, the characteristics and situations, that we all live with that diminish our sense of self, erode our self-trust, and whittle away at our birthright of integrity. Integrity Snatchers keep us from making the highest choices for ourselves and going for the life of our dreams. In my book, I talk about seven different Integrity Snatchers, the first of which is shame. In my book, I write:

Shame is one of the most painful emotions that there is. Our shame, which is generally birthed from some childhood event, teaches us to hide who we truly are because we fear that who we are is fundamentally flawed. Our shame leads us to believe that people won’t like us if they know who we truly are at our core. Our shame is what creates our external persona and robs us of authenticity.

Believing that we are our shame, fundamentally flawed, need fixing, are not to be trusted, and must hide, we dull down our desires and don’t strive for amazing. Why? Because we don’t believe we deserve amazing or can achieve amazing. Above all, we don’t want to feel the pain of our shame if we risk something and fail. The time bomb of our shame is ticking loudly and keeps us stuck and playing small. It leaves us paralyzed, fearing rejection, expecting disappointment, hiding who we are. It keeps us from reaching for the life we dream of and know we are meant to live.

Now I know there has been a lot of conversation about body-shamers – people who say nasty, inappropriate, and unwarranted things about others. Their comments and commentary are not needed or wanted. If given the opportunity, I would encourage these body-shamers to look at the purpose and intent of their words as well as the impact and really dig deep in the exploration of knowing that their words are their calling cards. Who do they want to be in the world? But enough about them.

Debbie Ford always used to say that other people cannot make you feel a certain way. In wrapping my arms around her theory, I used to imagine it like a hook and eye. If someone’s words or a situation stirs up a certain feeling, it is only because somewhere within you there is an eye to anchor in their hook. That is why the same words or event might not generate similar feelings in someone else – they don’t have the same wounds or sensitivities so they are not getting hooked in.

So, as I looked at this girl next to me, working out tirelessly, sweating profusely, trying to fix herself, and covering her butt, I started to think about all of the ways we consciously or often unconsciously shame ourselves.

Think of the times when you:

• Wear baggy clothing to cover some part of your body

• Negatively compare yourself to the person sitting next to you or to some celebrity

• Don’t eat, spend money, or even sleep in public out of fear someone might think you are lazy or irresponsible

• Quiet your voice, thinking your thoughts don’t matter or would sound stupid

• Don’t take a risk or go for a dream or desire because you’re afraid to fail 

Although I know we all walk around on some level trying to guard ourselves from the pain and sting of rejection or embarrassment, the truth is that playing small makes us feel small – and that kills our soul and destroys our dreams! It is like we are constantly beating up that little, innocent beautiful child inside of us. It is abusive.

So today I am declaring “Enough is enough!” when it comes to us all shaming ourselves! I encourage you to really look around your life and see the ways you are whittling away at your self-esteem. As you go on this exploration, be mindful not to use anything you find to shame yourself even more. Be fascinated by what you find and amazed by the insidiousness of shame, especially when we do it to ourselves.

The only way to bust out of our shame is to bust out of our shame! It’s time to stop hiding, claim our right to be fully expressed, and dance in the light of authentic aliveness and the inspiration of integrity!

A person of integrity is someone whose life isn’t full of contradictions. They do as they say, and they say as they do. Who they are on the inside is who they are on the outside, and who they are on the outside is aligned with how they feel on the inside. They have declared what is important to them and who they want to be in this lifetime. The actions they take and choices they make are aligned with that declaration and reflect that they feel worthy and deserving to manifest that which they most desire.

As time has gone on, we have seen the courage of the “Me Too” movement spread throughout social media and the world. Women are stepping out of the shadow of shame and isolation and imprisonment of Integrity Snatchers. I am also happy to report that after mentioning my crusade to have people stop body-shaming themselves to a best friend of the girl with the sweatshirt, who quickly assured me that she too tells her friend to stop wearing shirts tied around her waist, the “girl with the sweatshirt” is no longer doing so. She came into the gym on Thursday for the first time without having something covering her butt!

I am still in awe of what can happen when we make that declaration of “Enough is enough!”

Transformational Action Steps

Start walking through life looking at your own life and in the world at the situations where “Enough is enough!”

(1)  Become fascinated by all of the ways you consciously or unconsciously shame yourself. What are the ways you cover up, quiet yourself, play small, or hide?

(2) Picture that little child inside of you and truly think about whether they deserve to be put down, pushed away, or put in the corner. Ask them, “What is the love that you need to step out of your shame and into the light?”

(3) Do something unrecognizable. Take on your shame and let your whole self shine!

To gain even more insight into Integrity Snatchers and learning to love yourself and your body, you can read my book The Integrity Advantage, book a one-on-one session with me, or join me at my upcoming in-person workshop ‘The Body Shadow: From Self-Loathing to Self-Loving’ hosted by Omega June 14th-16th, 2019.