Meet My Two New Best Friends - "No" & "I Can't"

The other day I was speaking to a friend who is also a transformational teacher and leads workshops. She was telling me about a new project she's putting together. As she was excitedly rattling off her multi-tiered strategy, she started naming all of the ways I could and would play a part in her new undertaking. A lover of great ideas, new ventures, spiraling up in the energy of other people's visions, and of course having my ego stroked by someone telling me how fabulous I am and what "an amazing addition" I would be, normally I would have just followed along with her assumption that I would be a part of her new project. However, having just completed leading our program Every Choice Matters, I was still very much in the conversation about the impact of each and every choice we make. Knowing that each choice either leads closer toward or further away from our goals, and that there is no in between or neutral choices, I surprised my friend and myself by coming right out and clearly saying, "No! I could not spend time building your brand since I had to spend my time building mine!"

When I hung up the phone, I actually felt quite empowered. Although I had always considered myself to be a person who was good at setting boundaries, I had never been so clear and articulate about my commitment to make choices and take actions that were in direct alignment with my goals and dreams. I had never been so able to give up my banner of "the good friend," or person who always shows up in order to say "No" without second-guessing my response.

For most people our inability to say "No!" or set a boundary comes from a shadow. Not wanting to be selfish or full of ourselves, we put others on the top of our to-do lists instead of ourselves. Wanting to prove that we are smart enough, capable enough, have it all together, or can do it all, we say, "Yes," when we want to shout, "No!" The swell of satisfaction we feel when others stroke our ego and tell us how valuable and special we are comes from some shadow of not feeling special enough, worthy enough, or important enough. All of these shadows keep us on the treadmill of feeding off of the validation, approval, and praise of others. We cannot say "No!" or "I can't!" or make choices that are in our highest when we are being driven by our shadows. We cannot make ourselves a priority or put ourselves on the top of our to-do list when we are driven by a shadow.

In order to reach the destination of your dreams, you must make choices that are congruent with your goals. And in order to achieve your greatest goals and deepest heart's desires, you must declare your priorities. What is most important to you at this moment in time? It could be your children, moving, your relationship, taking care of an elderly parent, writing your book, or taking time to relax and regenerate. You need to take time to make a list of your priorities, rank them and then make your choices congruent with that list . When you use your priorities as your true north and commit to making choices that are in alignment with those priorities, your decisions become clear and your choices become simple. You can say "No" or "I can't" and speak your truth without worry or self-doubt. You can step out of the shadows that keep you in your role of the people-pleaser, know-it-all, overachiever, or fixer, hang up your Superman or Wonder Woman cape, and do what is in your highest instead of what is best for others.

When you live life in alignment with your priorities, a very exciting phenomenon happens. Yes, the second-guessing and agitation diminish. Yes, your choices and actions flow more easily. And although those are all exciting, to me they are not the MOST exciting thing. When you live in alignment with your priorities and embrace saying "No!" or "I can't" and setting boundaries as your new best friends, you are making a declaration to the Universe that YOU ARE YOUR PRIORITY! You are claiming that you feel worthy and deserving enough to put yourself on the top of your to-do list. You are affirming that you are no longer so worried about disappointing others because you can no longer tolerate disappointing yourself. And as I have said before, the really cool thing about claiming your worthiness, is that the Universe then aligns and you open up to receiving and manifesting your top priorities!

Transformational Action Steps

1. Take some time to list out and rank your top five to ten priorities. Look at all the different areas of your life: family, relationship, work, children, exercise, or some particular project.

2. Create a structure that supports you in thinking before you answer someone's request. Learning to befriend saying, "No" or "I can't" might take time and practice. Create a structure like giving yourself time to think before you answer or telling people, "I will get back to you" so that you can practice going inside and seeing if the request is in alignment with your priorities before you answer.

3. Do the Every Choice Matters Self-Paced Program to reclaim your power and wake up to the power of your choices.

With love,
Kelley

Are You Creating the Life You Want?

Are You Creating the Life You Want?

As we head into a new year, it is only natural for most of us to be somewhat introspective and to do our own personal "year-in-review." We evaluate our successes, what we might do differently and hopefully what we learned. We assess where we are and what we want to create by asking ourselves powerful questions, like: "Am I on the right path?" "Am I happy?" and a question I hear more and more frequently, "Am I creating the life I even want?"

If you are reading this newsletter, chances are you are a person who is self-reflective and interested in continued self-growth, evolution and "being the best you can be." But even for those of us on this path, I am sure there are days when you wake up to your positive affirmations, vision boards, inventory of goals and resolutions, and your daily "to-do" lists, and wonder, "What am I doing all of this for?" "What is it I am chasing?"

Although these questions may feel heavy at first, they are there to serve your highest. They arise from the stirrings of your soul and are generally wrapped in your feelings of discontent. For many the voice of discontent starts off as a subtle murmur. It can be easy to ignore because you are caught up in the rhythm of going, doing and achieving. But with time the thrill of the chase and even the applause of the accomplishments can't diminish that gnawing feeling that you are stuck on a treadmill trying to run as fast as you can, make others happy, fulfill someone else's dream or satisfy some picture of what your life "should be." And the good news, (yes, I said "good news") is that at some point the voice of your discontent will become so great, the pain will become so palpable, that you will no longer be able to ignore, deny or numb that voice inside. Instead it will capture your full attention and demand that you do something different. It will insist that you take the time to stop running as fast as you can for as many miles as you can and instead step off of the treadmill and reconnect!

You must reconnect to a source deep inside of yourself rather than referring to the same old list of goals to be achieved, milestones to be marked, and "shoulds" to be accomplished -- a list created by your ego or should I say your wounded ego. If you really want to create a life that lights you up, you need to reconnect with your soul.

Suffering, pain and discontent are all signs that you are creating a life based on your wounded ego's desires rather than your soul's path. They are there to wake you up and let you know that you have lost sight of your soul's dream; that you have strayed from your highest path. Your soul (also referred to as your divine, higher, sacred, or authentic self) knows exactly how to make your life a magical wonderland. When you are in sync with your soul's desires, you don't feel compelled to create a persona, be someone that you are not, or prove to the outer world how great your life is. When living in union with your soul's path, life flows. There is no ache for more, better or different! You will come from a place of inner certainty and an unapologetic aliveness that lights you up and illuminates a path for others. When you follow your soul, you will create a life you want and love.

So at this very fertile time of the new year, take time to tune into your voice of discontent, disenchantment or even defeat. Identify the areas and situations in your life, where these feelings exist and recognize that these are actually the cries of your soul letting you know that it is wanting and aching for something more -- a "something more" that only you can give to you! For as we all know, "If you do not go within, you go without!"

Transformational Action Steps

1. Take time to get quiet and reconnect.

2. Think about the different areas of your life and allow yourself to feel the feelings that emerge as you reflect on those areas. Which are the areas or situations where you feel discontent, suffering or that gnawing feeling that something is off?

3. Identify what your wounded ego is telling you that you should be doing or accomplishing in those areas of your life. What are the stories you tell yourself about what you "should be" doing or accomplishing in your life?

4. Take a few deep breaths, feel the breath connect with your heart, and ask yourself, "What is for my soul aching to create or experience in this situation or area of my life?"

5. Just listen and trust!

With love,
Kelley