Embracing the Bad Mother in All of Us!

Embracing the Bad Mother in All of Us!

Normally on Mother's Day, we read articles and Hallmark cards highlighting all of the good deeds, affectionate gestures, and altruistic virtues of a "good mother." We are bombarded with images of women cheerfully cleaning finger paint off of the wall, driving carpool, hauling soccer gear, or patiently waiting as their teenager ignores their very existence.

Yet week after week, I encounter countless numbers of women who feel that they have somehow or in some ways flunked motherhood. They are ashamed about the way they lost their temper, were absent, pushed their child too hard, didn't push their child enough, or impacted their child's life with their divorce. They are beating themselves up for being bad moms! (And dads, this is the same for you too but since it is Mother's Day, I am wording this in the feminine.) They are berating themselves for not being the kind of mother they think they should be and blaming themselves for everything that goes "wrong" in their child's life. They compare themselves and their children to others and condemn themselves for what they perceive to be their shortcomings. They focus on their "failures" and see their flaws as fatal. They feel tremendous guilt and shame about being what they hate to say out loud or even admit to themselves -- a bad mom!

For many of us, our vision or ideal of who we should be as a parent was developed early on. We saw a movie or had a friend who seemed to have a picture-perfect mother and from that moment on, we decided that we wanted to be kind, creative, fun, smart, capable, and talented just like her. For others, this archetype of who we should be as a mother was born out of not wanting to be the traits or qualities that we disliked in the women closest to us, most specifically our mothers. We vowed to never be cruel, lazy, mean, judgmental, negative, weak, or a failure like our mother.

Our shadows are these unwanted qualities that we vow not to be. They are the characteristics that we hated in others or ones that caused us embarrassment or even emotional and physical harm. Committed to not being that which we judge in others, from an early age we started crafting our definition of what a good mother should be. Although it comes from a pure intention, the fact is our definition of who we should be as a parent is determined by our shadows. It is birthed from our childhood wounds or a very hurt part of ourselves that created this narrow view of who we should and should not be as a parent. It is fueled by denial and an overwhelming fear that we may turn into that which we hated. And it becomes etched in our psyche the moment we declare, "I will never be like my mother!"

As we are methodically piecing together the picture of the parent we think we should be, we don't realize our evolution to being the fullest expression of ourselves as a parent, as well as a person, will not come from denying that which we don't want to be but embracing everything that we are -- good and bad!

As Carl Jung said, "I would rather be whole than good."

Shadow work is based on the concept of wholeness. It is based on knowing that within us is every characteristic that we see in the outer world. To be the fullest expression of ourselves, we must unconceal, own, embrace, and integrate all of the characteristics that we have disowned or denied. To do this we must find the gifts of the negative characteristics that we judge and make wrong in our mothers or others.

  • How could being lazy like your mother actually serve you?
  • What would be possible if you embraced that you too were weak and needy? Would you be able to ask for help or not always have to be the strong one?
  • Has not wanting to be negative like your mother caused you to see the glass as half full?

And how has not wanting to be a bad mother supported you in being a really good mother?

Many of us think that we need to be good to be effective and that we need to be perfect to be good. But the fact is our children will learn as much from the part of us that is a bad mother as they will from the part of us that is a good one.

Ultimately, the greatest gift we can give our children is to learn to love and accept themselves. We want them to find the lessons in their "mistakes," the wisdom in their wounds, the perfection of their imperfections, and the fun in their flaws. We want to teach them new perspectives and to be aware of whether they are looking for what's right or what's wrong. We want them to put down the internal bat that they have used to beat themselves up and to open up to greater levels of understanding and compassion for themselves. By teaching them to find the gifts in that which they judge, we pave the way for them to love a part of themselves that they have seen as "bad."

So on the heels of Mother's Day, I want to encourage you to acknowledge that bad mother part of you for all she has taught you. Embrace her for the humanity she has brought into your household. And maybe even applaud her for providing some of the real and rawest moments that have and will add to the richness of the texture of the tapestry of your family.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Make a list of the traits or characteristics that you think would or do make you a bad mom. Make sure you add all the traits that you saw in others, particularly your mother, and swore you would never be.

(2) Find the gifts of at least five of those traits. How have they served you?

(3) Write a letter of appreciation to the part of you that you see as your "bad mom." How has it served you? What do you see are its gifts?

(4) Sign up for The Shadow Process or The Shadow Experience with your mother or daughter!

3 Tips For More Self-Love

3 Tips For More Self-Love

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about this concept of unconditional love for both ourselves and others.  Defined by many as “affection without limitations or love without conditions,” I sometimes question whether unconditional love in its purest form is attainable and sustainable. 

When it comes to unconditional love for others, many say that although there may be times when they don’t like or are upset with the people they love, underneath whatever might be going on in the moment, they do always love them. 

However, when it comes to unconditional love for ourselves, after working with thousands of people, it is clear that our love for ourselves is very much conditional. Why? Because we have lost sight of who we are.  And as I write in The Integrity Advantage:

To love ourselves, we need to know ourselves.

The problem is that most people know themselves in a distorted or liming way.  Our sense of self has been largely formulated by the projections and programming of others.  We take on what other people think of and say about us, even if the other person doesn’t have any idea who we are.  We also take on the projections of others without questioning whether that person is seeing themselves or us. As Anais Nin said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Our sense of self is also slanted by our limited view of ourselves. Most of us are walking around constantly beating ourselves up and berating ourselves.  When it comes to ourselves, we are constantly judging and fixating on our flaws and what needs fixing. We see only pieces of ourselves and focus on what we are not instead of realizing all that we are.  We forget that we are born whole and complete and that wholeness is our birthright.  It is not and cannot be taken away. It is the integrity of who we are and it is inside of us. It’s just that events happen that cause us to create negative interpretations and limiting beliefs about the essence of who we are.  As a result of these situations, we cease from knowing ourselves.   We cease seeing our true selves and, as a result, our view of and love for ourselves becomes compromised.

But the good news is that it is never too late to get to know yourself and take on self-love.  Here are 3 tips to support you on this journey.

Tip #1: Claim Your Whole Self

Many of us do not see in ourselves the qualities that we are in awe of in others.  We think, “I could never be that brilliant, talented, courageous, or exciting.” On the other hand, there is a list of qualities that we don’t like in ourselves or others, judge as negative, and vow we will never possess or show to the world.  Not wanting to be certain qualities, we whittle away at the full expression of who we are and fill ourselves up with contempt for the unwanted parts of ourselves. We don’t want to be stupid, lazy, or weak. 

 We cannot fill ourselves up with self-love if we are hating parts of ourselves!

I love the saying, “G-d [or the Universe] didn’t give us any spare parts.”  Shadow work is predicated on the concept of wholeness.  Every emotion and quality - “negative” and “positive” - is inside of us and they are there to serve us. Just like every experience and person who enters our life is there to deliver an insight or seed of wisdom and comes bearing some gift, so do all of our qualities and emotions. Just think about it. Wouldn’t it serve you to be selfish if you needed to create boundaries or take some time for yourself?

To truly know ourselves, we must claim our wholeness. Understanding that we are smart and stupid, exciting and boring, responsible and irresponsible, and perfect and imperfect gives us access to the spectrum of qualities that we are born with and allows us to be the fullest expression of who we are.  When we claim our whole self, our feelings of shame and attempts to hide who we are diminish.  Instead, a deep acceptance and appreciation for all that we are emerges. 

When we understand we are everything, we want for nothing!
Self-love flourishes when we own that we are whole and complete just as we are. 

Tip #2: Turn the Tide on Negative Self-Talk

Our negative self-talk is automatic.  It incessantly loops around our head, creating a choir of criticism that diminishes our sense of self and turns us into our own worst enemy. Believing our negative self-talk to be the truth of who we are and what we are capable of, we play small, remain invisible, and quiet our voice. We imprison ourselves in a limited perspective of who we are and what we are capable of.   Transformation is a shift in perception. The negative self-talk is not the truth of who we are. It’s just an outdated pre-recorded message that needs to be deleted and replaced with kind and empowering thoughts and words.

To get to know ourselves with new eyes and cultivate more self-love, we need to turn the tides on negative self-talk.  We need to treat it like the bully that it is, stand up to it, and tell it to shut the f*** up!  We need to take on proactively shifting the voice inside our head.  We need to look for:

·      what’s right instead of what’s wrong,
·      what we learned from a situation instead of how we messed up, and
·      what we have and are, instead of what we lack and are not.

Self-love will flourish when we start talking to ourselves like someone we love!

Tip #3: Learn To Fill Your Own Cup

Most of us look to the outer world to fill our cup.  We look for love, validation, affirmation, and the answers to what is best for us from people we don’t even know or sometimes don’t even like.  Instead of living on automatic pilot or looking to the outer world to tell us “what’s hot and what’s not” or what we should be doing, we need to take that U-turn back to ourselves to discern what we like, want, need, and desire.  We need to start building our muscles of self-trust and self-referral.  We also want to be conscious of filling our cup with things, situations, thoughts, choices, and people that are loving, healthy, and in our highest. 

To aid you in this process, start routinely asking yourself “What Is the Most Loving Thing I Can Do for Myself in This Moment? What Is for My Highest Good?” There are days when I let these questions lead me. I use them in making every decision, from the activities I partake in, to what I eat, to whom I spend time with. I honor the answers I get from inside.  I honor my vibration and energy with the philosophy that “If it is not a big ‘Yes!’ then it is a big ‘No!’”

If it is true that we teach people how to treat us, then
when we make ourselves matter, so will others!

Ultimately, self-love is a choice and a practice.  And the good news is that if we attract that which we are, then guess what happens when we commit to a self-love practice?  That is what will show up in both your internal and external worlds.  Once you take on loving yourself, anything that does not have that vibration of love just feels wrong, out of integrity, or like bottom-feeding.  Your tendency to settle or self-sabotage dissipates. Your being alters.  Filled with self-love, love becomes the magnetizing force from which you attract. You will create and encounter more loving situations, be able to love others more fully, and let more love in. If anything other than that shows up, you will bow out gracefully and say, “No, thank you!” since staying around or settling for that would not be an act of self-love.

So, as you move into today, this week, this month, take on loving yourself.  If you love yourself, you will feel deserving enough to live a life that is in alignment with your highest vision of who you want to be.  If you love yourself enough, you will feel worthy to truly have and be all that you can be and to claim your greatness.  Find the structures that support you in doing that.  And remember, who you are is love.

Transformational Action Steps

(1)  Make a list of the qualities that you don’t like or judge as negative in yourself or others. 

(2)  Start finding their gifts by asking yourself, “How has or could this quality serve me?”

(3)  Any time you start indulging in negative self-talk, tell it to “Shut the f**k up” and shift it to a thought that serves your highest.

(4)  Keep asking yourself “What Is the Most Loving Thing I Can Do for Myself in This Moment? What Is for My Highest Good?” and let your answers guide your actions and choices.

(5)  Take on learning about the shadow so you can reclaim, your wholeness.  Join us at The Shadow Process Miami September 14th to September 16th or The Shadow Experience at the Omega Institute June 22nd to June 24th. Click on the links to learn more.

Choose U!

Choose U!

Have you ever thought about what or who is driving your choices? 

Week after week I hear stories about:

  • The people-pleaser who does everything for everyone else besides themselves
  • The baby-boomer who puts their life and dreams of traveling more on hold to stay in close proximity and take care of their aging parents
  • The sibling that not only financially supports their own family but also feels compelled to pick up the check when they go out with their family or give money to their brother or sister who has fallen on hard times
  • The millennial who is trying to make their parents proud
  • The partner who is working around the clock because their significant other has certain materialistic expectations and desires
  • The creature of habit who lives on autopilot, doing the same or slightly different versions of the same thing that they did last month, year, or decade
  • The person born into a certain religion or culture who feels obligated to live in accordance with expected rules or norms, even if those values are not in alignment with their truth and desires

Although the specifics may vary, the common thread that runs through all of their stories is that they are letting others or their tendency to live on automatic pilot dictate their life. They are being driven not by what is in their hearts or in their highest.  Instead, they are running around like the proverbial gerbil on the wheel, putting others, organizations, and societal expectations in front of themselves.  And as Lily Tomlin famously said,


“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat.”

Making choices based on the expectations of others or placing the needs of others over ourselves is a setup for disappointment and exhaustion.  Even if you accomplish all the things that you set out to do, the accomplishments will eventually feel empty.  Why? Because they aren’t being sourced by your dreams, your desires, your truth, and your wants and needs. 

Instead, your choices are actually being driven by your conscious or, more often than not, your unconscious desire to:


  • Be a “good” person
  • Do the “right” thing, even if it isn’t right for you
  • Get the love, approval, or validation of others
  • Stay under the radar and in your comfort zone
  • Not have to take responsibility for your own life
  • Not commit to your own life and dreams out of the fear you that might try and fail


But the problem is that if you keep doing what you have always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten. 

How much longer do any of us really want to keep running around on the same gerbil wheel?


Isn’t it time to Choose U?!


And the thing is that many of us are not even conscious about what is truly driving our choices.

We know and are told that our choices and actions shape our lives.  We know what we “should be doing. We wake up every Monday vowing that this week will be different. We tell ourselves that this week, “I will… put myself first, honor my needs and desires, cease feeling like the victim or passive observer of my life and take charge, or stop going for instant gratification over long-term fulfillment.”  But by the time Wednesday or Friday rolls around, we are back doing the same things we have always done, getting the same results, feeling bad about ourselves, and once again vowing “Next week will be different,” yet we notice the sense of self-doubt and resignation that seeps into the space before we even finish the thought.

If you are tired of breaking promises to yourself and then beating yourself up and feeling bad about yourself later, it is time to learn about what is controlling your choices and creating your life. It is time to proactively Choose U!

It’s not that you are a bad person or a loser at life.  It’s just that, although you know that your choices create your life, you might not be aware of what is driving your choices.

It is your unclaimed shadows -- your shame, your fear, your magical thinking, your insecurity -- that lurk in your unconscious and tell you what you can and cannot do, how much success you will experience, how much joy, happiness, and fun you will have or how much silent suffering, lack, and disappointment you will endure.  It is your shadow and your limiting internal beliefs that drive you to people-please, put others first, avoid living in your truth and going for your greatness and ultimately, keep you from Choosing U!

It is only when we bring the light of awareness to the shadows and unconscious drivers that are keeping us stuck, feeling small, frustrated, and like we don’t matter that we can take ourselves out of the rat race and put ourselves back into the driver’s seat.

Since our present is a result of the choices we made yesterday, and our future will be determined by the choices we make today, then if you want to change the trajectory of your life, it starts by unconcealing what is unconsciously driving your choices and making a conscious decision to Choose U!

If you want to live a life that matters, you have to make yourself matter.

Do you want to live an extraordinary future? The choice is yours and it starts today! All you have to do is Choose U!

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Identify two goals that you keep saying you are committed to reaching.

(2) Ask yourself, "Are the choices I made this week moving me in the direction of these goals?"

(3) If not, identify the part of you that has been driving your decisions. Who is driving? Who is making the choices? Is it the part of you that worries what your mother will think? Is it the part of you that wants to ensure your peers like you and approve of you? Is it your people-pleaser? How long have they been in the driver's seat? And how much longer will you give them the wheel?

(4) Set a strong boundary with this part of you by letting them know that you are now taking control, that you are going to Choose U and put yourself back in the driver’s seat of your life. Journal about what would be different if you were consciously Choosing U.

(5) Sign up for Every Choice Matters: Choose U! a life-altering program you can do from the comfort of your own home starting Monday May 14th. In Every Choice Matters, you will be guided to discover how your shadow is in control and impacting each and every area of your life. By shedding light on what lies at the root of your choices, you will be able to make new choices -- choices that empower you, inspire you, and propel you into an extraordinary future.  You will get 15% off when you register by April 30th. Learn more and register here.

I can tell you that the transformation I've experienced is ultimately because of the choices I've made. This same transformation can be yours. I promise you that when you join us on this journey of Every Choice Matters, you will be able to powerfully use your voice and begin to feel worthy of everything the universe is waiting to deliver to you.

The time is now.

The choice is yours. Choose U!

Claim Your Life!

Claim Your Life!

This coming weekend, I have the extreme honor of leading The Shadow Process Workshop in Los Angeles. No matter how many of these workshops I have attended, participated in, or led over the years, I am always in awe of the shifts that people experience in the short time span of 2 ½ days. I am also so grateful to Debbie Ford for creating a process that continues to live on and transform the lives of so many.

On a personal level, I am always amazed that even after having experienced this process numerous times, I always take away so many insights and a-has! One of the most powerful concepts that emerged from one of our amazing workshops is that it is up to each of us to "claim our life!"

We all have heard the adage "You teach people how to treat you." Yet what many people might not realize is that it is often your unconscious mind, which is far more powerful than your conscious mind, which tells and teaches people how to treat you and how to interact with you. It is also your unconscious mind that is filled with shadows and shadow beliefs -- all of that internal dialogue that plays in your head and repeats disempowering statements like "I am not good enough." "No one will ever love me." "It is not safe to stand out and shine or be seen." Ultimately, it is your negative internal dialogue that is your inner teacher, instructing the world how to treat you!

If you don't see yourself as worthy, loveable, or someone who has something to offer the world then neither will anyone else, since how you see yourself, consciously or unconsciously, is reflected in how others see you! Debbie always used to say that if someone told her that the world treats them badly, she knew that it was because they treated themselves badly! If a person was seen as a "worker" instead of an executive, it was because the person saw themselves as a "worker" and had not claimed and truly owned that they are an executive.

If you truly want to live a life that inspires you, if you want to keep evolving, if you want to step into the next greatest evolution of yourself, then you need to claim it! When you claim yourself as your highest self, the universe alters. When you claim and truly own that "I am that!" the Universe will align with your deep sense of knowing. Understanding this concept is really quite exciting because if you do your work to bring the shadows, thoughts, beliefs, and negative dialogue that live in your unconscious mind into the light of your conscious awareness, you will be able to shatter your limitations and step into creating magic and claiming the life that you long for. The really exciting news is that everything you yearn for is already inside of you. You just need to claim it!

Transformational Action Steps

1. Take on "Claiming Your Life!" Identify some goal or achievement that you are chasing in the outer world. Ask yourself, "What is the number one quality or characteristic that a person who could achieve that goal would display or have?" Is it confidence? Discipline? Charisma? Spontaneity? Or something else?

2. For the next 28 days, wake up every day and ask yourself, "What can I do today to really own or display that quality?" Commit to yourself to do whatever action or practice you hear.

3. Come to The Shadow Process Los Angeles April 6th to April 8th for your own insights and a-has! Learn more and register here.

What Are You Running Away From?

What Are You Running Away From?

In my last newsletter, I wrote about a situation which has been causing me a lot of heartache and how, despite all of the tools and wisdom that I have as a life coach and teacher of transformation, it has been hard for me to find a sustained sense of peace.  I shared how after going to healers, therapists, and doing lots of deep work around my core wounds and projections, I was so grateful to read Debbie Ford’s new book Your Holiness: Discover the Light Within because it reminded me that when I feel cut off at the knees, I need to get down on my knees and ask to be shown.  Bottom line, I needed some divine guidance to support me in finding resolution, relief, and a deeper understanding of self.

Days after working my way through the book and using prayer as a vehicle to connect and receive, I was running outside and heard the words, “Just be with the hurt."

Stunned and amused, I stopped dead in my tracks.  I realized that I had been literally running away from my hurt.  In my fixation to figure out and fix my pain, I had avoided really feeling the deep hurt that was being triggered inside of me. I was trying to get to the destination without going on the journey.  I’d been trying to bypass the feelings in my heart and resolve my pain in my mind, which, of course, was a strategy I developed long ago and even wrote about in The Integrity Advantage:

“Whenever we hate or resist something, we are pushing it away, but we can’t learn a lesson from something we refuse to look at….As the saying goes, ‘The only way out is through.’  No matter how much we try, we can’t get rid of our unwanted emotions until we feel them. We need to develop a healthy relationship with our emotions, so we can be informed and not affected by them, so we can feel and heal whatever is going on.  To be in integrity, we need to get out of our minds and into our hearts and feel what we need to heal.” 

Obviously, we teach what we need to learn and of course, I see myself in so many of the people I work with.  Their adult mind, which has done “so much work” on themselves or an issue, thinks it knows, can figure it out, or somehow tie up their issues and insights in a pretty package and be done with them. To find resolution and distance themselves from their pain, they rationalize why something happened or someone acted as they did. They say things like:

They were doing the best they could.”
“They didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“I know it’s not about me.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Or they quote some spiritual text that sounds really good and exhibits a level of understanding about why something happened.  Although everything they say is “true” and “makes sense,” you can still feel the pain in their voice and struggle in their heart when trying to wrap their arms around the issue. The adult mind, the ego, is really good at justifying things.  Even though we understand something on a cognitive level, that does not mean that we are healing it on a cellular level. The head can’t take us what the heart wants to go. No matter what the adult knows, the pain is coming from that little child inside that was so deeply hurt. It’s that little child inside of each of us that needs to be seen, let their feelings be expressed, and be loved, honored, and nurtured. 

Just taking a few days to acknowledge and feel my hurt lifted a burden from my heart.

Many of us avoid feeling our feelings by numbing out or staying distracted.  Keeping busy and always doing, is my escape route from feeling.  One of the many reasons I love The Shadow Process Workshop is the singularity that the workshop provides.  We are all there to do one thing: go within, take time to reflect, feel what needs to be felt, express what needs to said, and just do us.  We shut off our phones, unplug from our businesses, and ask our families to respect our need to disconnect so we can peel back the layers of protection and self-sabotaging habits that have kept us from feeling and healing at a deeper level so we can soar to higher heights without the weight of the past.  The gift of our own time and attention, as well as the safe, supportive, and loving cocoon that is quickly established, empowers everyone involved in the process to lean into the feelings and issues which they had previously only wanted to run away from. 

That’s why I’m excited it’s coming up in a few weeks. If you are ready to get off your own proverbial treadmill, then I encourage you to run, not walk, to The Shadow Process

I hope to see you there or soon!

Transformational Action Steps:

1.  Identify an emotion you have been pushing away or afraid of feeling. 

2.  Take some time to be with the emotion. Talk to it.  Listen to it.  What does it have to say to you?  What is its biggest fear? Don’t try to push it away or fix it.  Just give it some time and attention to express itself and see what happens.

3.  Come to The Shadow Process April 6th to April 8th in Los Angeles. Learn more and register here.

Ask and You Shall Receive!

Ask and You Shall Receive!

Often, people think that as a life coach or teacher of personal growth and transformation, I know how to "do life" better than others and can somehow fly above life's ups and downs. Although I, like many life coaches, do have a big toolbox full of techniques, practices, and knowledge to support me in traversing life's challenges, I have found that in certain emotionally charged situations, all that I know is definitely not the cure-all for all that I feel. 

The past few months, I have been dealing with a situation which I thought I should be able to process, deal with, work out, fix, find peace with, and move on. I have read about it, sought help from professionals, healers, and teachers, and looked at my core wounds, projections, and automatic self-sabotaging behaviors. On a cognitive level, I understand what is being triggered and how I should handle it. But the truth is, there is an ache inside of me that just won't go away. (Now let me pause and say that since I am a big believer on calling myself on my own BS, it is very true that on some level I might be getting something from holding on to my pain. However, that is another newsletter and teaching.) 

This past week, another incident occurred in this ongoing situation which triggered another palpable response inside of me. I knew that I had to dig deeper in my attempt to heal and grow. I had to find other resources. I just had no idea who or what to turn to. I was so caught up in my own drama, I did not realize that the answer to my search was sitting on my nightstand. 

As you all know, Debbie Ford was and is my mentor, teacher, guide, and friend. I now often refer to her as my partner on the other side. Debbie was the first one who taught me that "humility is the doorway through which the Divine can enter your life." Luckily for me, and all of us, Debbie continues to be a teacher from the other side. Today, Debbie's new book, YOUR HOLINESS: DISCOVER THE LIGHT WITHIN, is being released. Debbie wrote the manuscript years ago but it was not published at the time. 

Having been sent an advance copy of YOUR HOLINESS months ago, I skimmed the book a couple of times. The past few weeks, with lots of uninterrupted airplane time, I have had the opportunity to spend time with Debbie's book. One of the central themes of this beautiful book is the use of prayer. In the book, Debbie writes: 

Prayer is an ancient method of shifting our thoughts from the small self to the grander whole...Through prayer, we rid ourselves of self-doubt and self-condemnation, we cleanse our subconscious mind, and we make room for peace, happiness, and hope...Through the vehicle of prayer, we are able to navigate our way out of the darkness of our heartaches and negative feelings and find our way back into the loving embrace of our higher self. If we ask the universe to be our partner and guide us back on the path to wholeness, it will oblige. As the Bible tells us, and as I will remind you often, "Ask and you shall receive." 

Knowing that this book was birthed from the deepest part of Debbie's being because at the time she wrote it, she too was trying to heal heartache and bring peace to her pain, I believe that there are no coincidences. At a time when there is so much loss, grief, and struggle in the world, this book is a gift from beyond and being delivered at the perfect moment. YOUR HOLINESS is a sacred song that leads us through deeper layers of cleansing so we can attain greater levels of consciousness, connection, and divine love. 

Whether you have been dealing years of addiction, want to turn the tides on insecurity and self-doubt and cultivate more faith, find more inner peace, open up to your own divinity, or, like myself, are looking for an answer, insight, or guidance on a specific issue, then this book is a sweet, easy-to-read-and-use, effective guide. Just reading it brought me to holier place where I reconnected to my holiness and found a renewed sense of wholeness. 

I am beyond grateful that Debbie continues to teach and support all of us. YOUR HOLINESS not only helps us discover our light within but also aids us in lightening our load so we can infuse our souls with more love. 

Transformational Action Steps 

(1) Order YOUR HOLINESS: DISCOVER THE LIGHT WITHIN and read it. We've put together a beautiful collection of gifts for you, so when you order the book, be sure to register your purchase and redeem your gifts here

(2) Ask and you shall receive. Is there an issue you need guidance on or are wanting more peace around? Create a structure where you ask to be shown, be guided, be given insight. Then make space to get quiet so you can receive and hear the answer. 

(3) Come join us for The Shadow Process. I am very excited that we are having The Shadow Process Workshop a month from now - April 6th to April 8th - in Los Angeles. Since I, like Debbie, am a firm believer in "Ask and you shall receive," then if prayer is the vehicle for asking, we also need to be conscious of tuning out the outside noise and giving ourselves the opportunity and space to receive. In a world where we are all so busy, I love the singularity that the workshop provides. For me, The Shadow Process provides a safe cocoon as well as a magical opportunity to go within, do "a year of therapy in two-and-a-half days," and heal our hurt on a deeper level. You can learn more and register here

Our Children Are Our Change

Our Children Are Our Change

For the past ten days I have been traveling outside of the United States. We had a packed itinerary and my intention was to disconnect and just be where I was with the person I was with. Halfway into my trip, the Parkland shooting occurred. Since these horrific acts of mass violence have unfortunately become part of our daily life, I realize that I've actually developed a pattern of how I digest these heartbreaking events. I tend to watch hour after hour of commentary, making sure I check in from the morning shows to Jimmy Kimmel Live’s opening monologue. Since Parkland is less than an hour drive from where I live and I know people who live there, I am sure that had I been home, I would have been that much more fixated on learning more. Being in Europe, I actually felt a bit guilty about not being more on top of the subject. Yet every time I entered a designer store in Paris, I was consistently struck by the lack of gun control and safety precautions in our schools. How was it that to enter a designer store my bag would be searched and in some cases an armed guard would stand at the door, but in most schools in the U.S., people can walk in carrying anything? 

I really was at a loss for words and also acutely aware that just words were not enough. But then standing in line at the Milan airport, I saw a video of Emma Gonzalez, a senior and survivor of the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, and I was riveted. 

A total believer in our need both as individuals and as part of the collective to break through the excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and wishful thinking and to bust ourselves of our own BS, I was in awe and applauding when she called BS on lawmakers, politicians funded by the NRA, gun advocates, companies trying to make caricatures out of today’s teens, and many of the lame one-liners people use to justify doing nothing to create change. Although we all have a tendency to do it, believing our own BS is our way to, consciously or unconsciously, excuse ourselves from taking responsibility. Instead of living in our power, we give our power away and imprison ourselves in a past that may not be fitting or beneficial for the present or the future. 

On a personal level, underneath our BS usually lies some fear, limiting belief, laziness, or insecurity that we assume is too much to deal with. It keeps us fighting to keep our BS firmly in place. With issues like gun control reform, mental health care legislation, and school safety, whether it is self-advancement, monetary gain, or needing to be right or in control, I am sure that there are also a plethora of underlying issues that drive politicians and gun advocates to keep their BS firmly in place. But as Emma Gonzalez so passionately said, “...maybe the adults have gotten used to saying 'it is what it is,' but if us students have learned anything, it's that if you don't study, you will fail. And in this case if you actively do nothing, people continually end up dead, so it's time to start doing something.” 

For change to happen, busting ourselves of our own BS is a necessary step. Another necessary step is getting to that place of intolerance. I have said it a lot lately. When we get to that point where we finally and truly declare “Enough is enough!” that is where change begins. Intolerance of that which we can’t be with anymore has always been the prelude to not only personal but also social change. I, for one, am so impressed that so many of the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School have declared that they are going to be “last mass shooting in America.” You can see the fire in their eyes and the conviction in their voices and know that they will not stop until action is taken. Although people often think of the concept of intolerance as being a negative, it is often a positive. Intolerance is a tap on our shoulder trying to awaken us to action. 

Action is, of course, the most important step in creating change. On a personal level, I meet a lot of people who spend lots of time studying self-help and personal growth. They go to seminars, and workshops and work with coachers, healers, and therapists. They have lots of insights and “Ahas.” Yet if people don’t turn their “Aha!” moments into action, change will not occur. And similarly when dealing with the collective, conversation without action is just a lot of talk. The students of Marjory Douglas High School have wasted no time in turning their words into action by planning a march and a National High School Walk-Out and publicly asking for conversations with the President and other politicians funded by the NRA. They say they are prepared to work tirelessly, so they will go down in history as the students that made the difference and made it safer for our children to go to school...and I believe that they will turn this commitment into reality. 

As a mom, I have always known that my children were my greatest teachers. As adults, we say we need to be the change we want to see for our children. But now we are seeing that our children are the change. How great that, as a group of students told Chuck Todd on Meet The Press, not only are they committed to seeing reasonable change but also “this is a time for people to come together through love and compassion.” 

Transformational Action Steps 

(1) Watch Emma Gonzalez’s entire speech here

(2) If you are committed to creating change in the areas of gun control and mental health care legislation, contact your congresspeople and representatives and visit websites like Everytown.org and MomsDemandAction.org

(3) On a personal level, look around your life and get honest about: 

Where are you buying into your own BS? What are the excuses, rationalizations, justifications, and BS you buy into, keeping you stuck and limited? 

What have you become intolerant of? What issues, situations, patterns, relationships, or behaviors no longer serve you and are holding you back and keeping you down? 

What action(s) do you need to take to create change? 

The Inconvenient Truth

The Inconvenient Truth

In the past few weeks I have been fixated on the news and stories surrounding the world of USA Gymnastics. Like most of us, I have looked on with horror, disbelief, and heartbreak as well as a profound sense of admiration for the 156 women and girls - "the army of survivors" - who shared their victim impact statements and testified against former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar. I also cheered when Judge Aquilina sentenced Nassar to 40 to 175 years in prison and so matter-of-factly said, "It is my honor and privilege to sentence you. You don't deserve to walk outside a prison ever again." Just yesterday, Nassar was sentenced to an additional 40 to 125 years in prison after a second sentencing hearing where more than 60 young women and teenagers read or presented victim impact statements. 

Like many of us, I can't help thinking about the other people and organizations involved in this situation who were told or put on notice about Nassar's behavior and did nothing to stop it. Whether it was Michigan State University, USA Gymnastics, the U.S. Olympic Committee, or private training facilities, I am a huge proponent of the investigations that are and should be conducted as to how these entities and people - these enablers - ignored or mishandled the sexual assault complaints lodged against Nassar. It's chilling to realize that he could have been stopped decades ago. 

Being a mother of three daughters the same age range as many of the women I watched testify, what stops me in my tracks are the victims and survivors who shared that they told their parents what was going on and, for whatever reason, their parents dismissed or minimized what their child was saying and did not advocate or did not advocate strongly enough to put a stop to Nassar's sick, destructive, abusive behavior. 

Although, I would like to think that as a parent I would have listened and taken charge, and now there is no question that I would, 15 years ago when I was a newly divorced, single mother of three girls trying to juggle so many aspects of life, the truth is I don't know how I would have responded...And that haunts me. Doing a good deal of soul searching, I have been asking myself questions like: 

Would I have heard what my child was trying to tell me or trusted authority over age, made excuses for the accused, and belittled my child's understanding of the situation? 

In my zealousness to make my daughters into "strong, empowered" women and/or "to support their dreams," would I have minimized anything that sounded like "whining," "complaining," or "excuses" and encouraged them to barrel through any obstacles or keep their eye on the prize? 

Would I have downplayed, avoided, or not truly listened to what my daughter was telling me because I was more committed to working on a project, trying to nurture a relationship, wanting more time "to do me," or maintaining the status quo? 

Bottom line, no matter what the reason, would I have denied, diminished, discredited, doubted, or dismissed what my child was telling me because it was… an inconvenient truth? 

Although little compares with the horrific circumstances that happened in the Nassar situation, many of us grapple with inconvenient truths in our personal lives all of the time. Whether it is the business partner who wants to deny a colleague's questionable behavior because their net profits are increasing, the spouse that ignores their husband or wife deleting texts and hiding the code on their phone, the person that excuses unhealthy habits because the number on the scale is going down, or the baby boomer that doesn't want to compromise their freedom to take care of an aging parent, many of us turn a blind eye, especially to those inconvenient truths that we don't want to deal with. Denial is a powerful ally and negotiating tool when it comes to combating inconvenient truths. 

In The Integrity Advantage, I talk about denial since it is a huge Integrity Snatcher. I write: 

"Denial seems like a clever place to hide. It keeps us anchored in a seemingly safe harbor where everything is familiar. It may be a mess, but at least it feels familiar! When sheltered by denial, we often interpret threats and problems as benign or pretend that they don't exist. Like all blind spots, we can't see through our denial. It's insidious. But if we are going to live lives of integrity, we must confront our denial. We must recognize that denial keeps us blind to what is and limits our ability to find positive solutions and inspiring possibilities." 

There is usually at least one area of our lives that we are willfully looking the other way, covering something up, suppressing that gnawing feeling inside, or denying an inconvenient truth. And as we are all seeing in stereo in the today's world, it only takes one situation in your life to ruin your entire life. That is why no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it may be, we all need to take time to listen, to pierce through the trance of denial, and to trust that if something is coming up, whether individually or collectively, it is coming up to be re-examined and dealt with. 

In the end, denying inconvenient truths may be convenient in the short term but, more often than not, that behavior will never lead to long-term fulfillment. Instead it will chip away at our psyche, wanting and needing some attention, until it festers and causes an explosion in our lives. 

Ultimately, as I grapple with this concept of inconvenient truths and where and how I have denied them, I feel incredibly grateful that I did not have to deal with the circumstances that the parents of the "army of survivors" did. Although I, like everyone, wishes this or any horrific, sick situation never happened, we know that they did and do. I am extraordinarily grateful to all these courageous women who spoke so bravely, authentically, and eloquently. Their words act as a reminder to all of us that there are the perpetrators and enablers, and we all need to look at how and where we are and have been that and what we can do differently. 

I, for one, am looking at the stories I tell myself that drive me to want to turn a blind eye or deny a situation since it may be inconvenient to deal with at the time. I know that if I can unconceal and bust through those stories and understand that they are just that – stories I tell myself - then I have the power let go of that story and choose another interpretation for the situation that, instead of repelling me, will compel me to take positive action. Then I can go from imprisoned to empowered, meet whatever situation head on, and be the change I want to see in the world. 

Transformational Action Steps 

(1) Dwell in this conversation about inconvenient truths this week. As you take on this exploration, don't use what you find to beat yourself up. Look through the eyes of fascination and the perspective of promise. 

(2) Look around your life. What are the situations or subjects that you have or that you are denying, diminishing, discrediting, doubting, or dismissing? 

(3) As you find these situations or subjects, let yourself see the stories, beliefs, and fears that cause you to turn a blind eye, deny, and not deal. 

(4) Spend some time journaling about what you get from your denial as well as what the costs of denial. 

(5) Allow yourself to see what would be possible if you dealt with the situation head on. 

(6) Create an action plan for dealing with your inconvenient truths. 

(7) To step into your truth, ground yourself in the fundamentals of an integrity-guided life, and join a supportive online community, sign up for the very special and affordable program I created just for you - The Integrity Advantage Initiation Program. This 4-week online program starts Monday February 12th. 

From Monkey Mind To Mindfulness

From Monkey Mind To Mindfulness

Although it feels like New Years was weeks ago, we are still very much in the conversation of "New Year, New You!" Even though every January we tend to engage in a dialogue about what we can do to revamp or upgrade our lives, each year we see a few new concepts or practices added to the "what's trending now" lists. In the past few years, the concept of mindfulness or being mindful has become a crucial part of the self-care conversation. 

From the boardroom to the kindergarten classroom to centers and apps dedicated to the practice, mindfulness trainings are widespread and have become mainstream. Credited with reducing stress and anxiety and having several other physical and mental health benefits, mindfulness is often defined as the practice of bringing your full mind to a singular object or situation or, as Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a professor of medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and leader in the field of mindfulness, defines it, mindfulness is "paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally." 

Although being totally present to one thing for even five to ten minutes might seem like a no-brainer, for many it is a challenge. Described as a practice that takes practice, many beginners are encouraged to practice mindfulness by bringing their attention to day-to-day activities, even something as simple as drinking a cup of tea or eating food. We are urged to smell the food, taste the food, chew the food, and truly be in the experience of the food. 

Yet for most of us, after the first few seconds, we are no longer savoring the experience but judging it. Our mindfulness has turned to monkey mind, filling our heads with thoughts like:

  • Am I doing this mindfulness thing right?
  • This is crazy.
  • Is this food making me fat?
  • I don't have time to do this! I have a hundred other things on my to-do list.
  • I can't believe I can't be mindful for 30 seconds.
  • I failed mindfulness!

So, what is it that causes us to go from mindfulness to monkey mind in just a matter of minutes? 

Many articles are written about the obstacles people experience when practicing mindfulness. They mention reasons like everyday distractions, being unable to sit still, and growing discouraged as a result of not instantly feeling and seeing the benefits. Although all of these challenges are real, after working with hundreds of people over the years, I believe that the one thing that fills our minds with messiness and minimizes our ability to be mindful are what I call "Integrity Snatchers." Integrity Snatchers are the influences that erode our courage, confidence, capabilities, and sense of calm. They are the culprits that join together in that choir of condemnation, confusion, criticism, and chaos that loops in our heads. They act as a catalyst for self-doubt, self-sabotage, and settling. They propel us out of the present moment as well as any sense of positivity and land us in a minefield of stinking thinking. Specifically, Integrity Snatchers are the shadows that fill our minds and create our internal and external messiness. 

Our shadows -- our shame, fears, insecurities, negative beliefs, and feelings of not enough -- lurk in our unconscious and are incessantly telling us what we can and cannot do and what we should or should not be doing. They drive us to revisit the past and worry about the future. Their consistent and insidious dialogue is what causes the stress and angst that makes mindfulness so necessary. Although practice, patience, and positivity may be a prescription for mastering mindfulnesss, doing shadow work is a surefire remedy for success. 

We have all heard the adage, "What you resist persists." We don't want to make our Integrity Snatchers and our shadows wrong, since that would be making ourselves wrong and just add more fodder to our monkey minds. They are part of our humanity. Yet, as I write in The Integrity Advantage,

"When you become aware of your Integrity Snatchers,
you can remove them from their seat of power."

That's one of the reasons that I always look forward to The Shadow Process, our weekend workshop where people learn to unconceal, make peace with, and integrate their shadows. One of the things that always amazes me about this process is that after the two and a half days, nothing in the outer world of our participants has changed. When they leave the workshop on Sunday, their work situation, bank balance, condition of their body, or state of their relationship with their spouse or mother remains the same. But their relationship with their shadows and themselves has totally shifted and that creates the opening for everything else in their life to evolve and grow! 

The process guides them to see themselves, their past, and the possibilities for their future in a brand new light. They find answers from within that they never knew they had. Suddenly, the negative internal dialogue that has been running their lives is no longer in control. Instead, it is replaced with words of compassion, acceptance, and a sacred knowingness that everything they have endured or experienced is there to support the evolution of their soul and is part of their divine recipe. This new relationship with themselves is nothing short of a revolution that transforms their inner world and has the power to transform their outer world. 

It is this newfound peace of mind which quiets their monkey mind and makes mindfulness a consistent and easily attainable state of mind. Actually, many of our participants tell us that after the process they experience something very foreign - a quiet mind. 

So, if you want to remove the obstacles to mindfulness, yes, practice and patience are key. But I invite you to do shadow work. It will be the catalyst for you to make peace your past and your pessimism so you can unwrap the gifts of the present. 

Transformational Action Steps 

To quiet your monkey mind and master mindfulness, take time to do shadow work. 

(1) Observe the thoughts and beliefs that loop in your brain and chip away at your ability to stay present. Write them down. 

(2) Looking at your list, own that these are just thoughts. 

(3) See how these thoughts have served you or pushed you to be or do more. Find their gifts. 

(4) Identify positive thoughts about yourself that will counterbalance the negative ones. 

(5) To truly accelerate your mindfulness practice, join us at The Shadow Process April 6th to April 8th in Los Angeles. Click here to learn more

Empowering Bad Behavior - #TimesUp Now

Empowering Bad Behavior - #TimesUp Now

Happy New Year! I have been thinking a lot about this first blog post of 2018. In a perfect world, I might be using this post to share with you some profound, uplifting, spiritual experience that I had ringing in the New Year and setting the tone for the upcoming year, but the fact is I cannot. I rang in the New Year experiencing emotions that ranged from horrified, shocked, and speechless to feeling victimized. I was at what I thought was going to be a sweet get-together which quickly got hijacked by the bad behavior of a 40-year old woman who, in a nutshell, was committed to proving that she was right and everyone around her was wrong because they were not adhering to her demands and doing and acting as she wanted them to. Although I've only known this woman for a relatively short time, from what I have seen, this woman's bad behavior had nothing to do with New Year's Eve. It has been on display since the day I met her and from what I have heard from people closest to her, it has always been ever-present in her life – igniting toxicity, trauma, and trouble where ever she goes and with whomever she is with. Yet, just as troubling as this woman's consistent bad behavior has been the reaction of everyone around her. Not wanting to have to "take on her stuff," they let her stuff dictate and infect every move, moment, and mood. That was until New Year's. Seeing the horror, hurt and humiliation reflected in the eyes of people like myself and others who were bystanders as we watched the events of the evening unfold, the people closest to this woman could no longer ignore the proverbial elephant in the living room. It was painfully obvious that the air and joy was being sucked out of the room and that their tendency to choose "harmony" over truth had landed them in hell and empowered bad behavior as well as a negative, venomous presence in the space. 

Interestingly, if I have seen any theme so far in 2018, it has been very much in keeping with the one I just described. I have already received numerous calls and messages from people who can no longer tolerate accepting or enduring the bad or inappropriate behavior of others to rule the roost, be it their children, spouses, co-workers, employers, or friends. They've had it with living in denial, turning a blind eye, trying to make it better, or being blinded by their own wishful thinking. The cost of living in an environment of constant judgment, righteousness, and pessimism has not only brought them down, but also been downright depleting. 

Yet what I also found fascinating is that just as I watched the people I was with on New Year's Eve declare "No more!" to the unacceptable behavior in their space, I woke up on New Year's Day to learn about the Time's Up movement. This is a movement started by women in the entertainment industry committed to supporting women everywhere in acknowledging that "the clock is running out on sexual assault, harassment and inequality in the workplace." Beyond everything I read on their website, I love their meme on social media that read "TIME'S UP on silence. TIME'S UP on waiting. TIME'S UP on tolerating discrimination, harassment, and abuse." 

Watching the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night, I could feel the relevance and magnitude of this conversation and the energy and tone the Golden Globes set in truly presencing this conversation as a defining moment of change and a celebration of what’s to come. It was an extraordinary moment watching so many women and men declare #TimesUp on being silent, tolerating discrimination, and sexual assault and harassment in the workplace. It was also an extraordinary moment watching people in support of one another and standing in what is in the highest for all. I love that there were no “worst-dressed lists” and instead a focus on truth, respect, integrity, and the possibilities for a better tomorrow. 

I realize that the Time's Up movement has a certain focus and intention and I honor that 110%. And it's inspired me to think even bigger. I look at the experience I had on New Year's Eve as well as the other stories I have been hearing this past week and believe that the "Time's Up" way of thinking applies to pretty much everything. For me, time's up on tolerating unacceptable behavior or being violated by any man or woman! Time's up on spewing judgment and negativity. Time's up on misusing power to control. And on the other hand, time's up on remaining silent, perpetuating denial, and avoiding conflict at the cost of creating chaos. The fact is choosing truth over harmony, although might be 'inconvenient" at first, will ultimately create more and sustainable harmony, so...Time's Up on empowering bad behavior! 

When I pointed this out to one of the people I was with on New Year's Eve, they asked, "How do I start?" I referred them to the first step of the seven-step process that I write about in The Integrity Advantage and told them, "You start by 'Getting Naked.'" In the book, I write:

No, the first step in the Integrity Process isn't being an exhibitionist. It's about facing the truth. It's about revealing what you've been covering up for so long. It's time to strip down, peel off the layers of protection, and break through the illusions that obscure the truth of what's going on. It's time for radical honesty. 

If a wound is going to heal, if change is going to happen, then the bandage that you have worn for years that is "holding things together" needs to be ripped off! 

We think that ignoring the truth protects us from it. But it's our resistance to the truth, our resistance to what is, that is the glue that keeps us stuck and in pain. Denial seems like a clever place to hide. It keeps us anchored in a seemingly safe harbor where everything is familiar. It may be a mess, but at least it feels familiar! When sheltered by denial, we often interpret threats and problems as benign or pretend that they don't exist. Like all blind spots, we can't see through our denial. It's insidious. But if we are going to live lives of integrity, we must confront our denial. We must recognize that denial keeps us blind to what is and limits our ability to find positive solutions and inspiring possibilities. 

Whether we are talking about situations in our own world like a friend, family member, or co-worker acting inappropriately or the topics that are being brought to the forefront of a global conversation like sexual assault, harassment, and inequality in the workplace, "it is time to operate in reality rather than to live in the trance of denial. 

So, in the world and in our own lives, I encourage you to step into living by the bar of "Time's Up!" Time's Up for settling, stepping over your truth, accepting the unacceptable, avoiding the elephant in the room, empowering bad behavior, and denying your wants and desires. We all are deserving of setting boundaries, putting ourselves on the top of our to-do list, and living a great life. 

And if you, like me, feel ready and committed to bust through any BS as well as anything that no longer serves you or the world, then I invite you to join The Integrity Movement and participate in The 21-Day Integrity Challenge that we're starting on Wednesday January 10th. 

Much like a detox for your life, The 21-Day Integrity Challenge is a day-by-day, step-by-step guide that will aid you getting radically honest with yourself and those around you and cleaning up the ways you have been out of integrity so you will feel empowered, worthy and ready to own that you are whole and complete and to live in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires. 

When you make yourself matter so will those around you. Start by being the change you want to see in the world, cleaning up and clearing out any integrity issues or emotional baggage that may be weighing you down, and watch the impact it has on your life and the world around you. 

Transformational Action Steps 

(1) Join The Integrity Movement by signing up for the The 21-Day Integrity Challenge

(2) Look around your life and really dwell in the question "Am I empowering the bad behavior of others?" 

(3) If you see that you are, ask yourself these questions:

- What am I getting out of empowering the bad behavior of others? i.e., Do I get to avoid conflict, play the victim, give myself an excuse to run away, etc.?

- What is the cost of empowering the bad behavior of others?

- What would I do, not do, say, not say, accept, or not accept if I was being radically honest?

(4) Step into living by the bar of "Time's Up." What will you no longer tolerate, or stay silent about? Find out more about the Time's Up movement by visiting their website

(5) Commit to a profoundly transformational 2018 by joining Radical Reinvention, a 12-week goal-oriented online program you can do from the comfort of your own home starting Monday January 15th. 

A New Year's Ritual

A New Year's Ritual

This is a tremendously powerful time of year -- a time when the universe is moving all of us in an exciting and positive direction, a time when everyone, whether they know it or not, is looking to complete the past and move into a new future. 2018 offers all of us a new beginning! 

We're excited to share with you Debbie Ford's 2008 New Year's Ritual (with a few updates) to support you in opening up to a new future. This ritual is a great opportunity to powerfully end this year, igniting new possibilities in your inner and outer worlds, so we invite you to set aside some time to read her message and do the exercise she outlines. 

We at The Ford Institute are wishing you a healthy, happy, inspired new year. We hope you'll join us for The 21-Day Integrity Challenge to kick off the new year. (You can read more about that below the ritual.) We look forward to continuing to support you in 2018. 

With love,

A New Year's Ritual
by Debbie Ford

This morning in my meditation, I thought about all the people I love, of course all of you -- and this was the message that came to me to deliver to you. I hope it nourishes you as much as it did me. 

Every New Year’s Eve, we make resolutions that this year will finally be different. We vow that this is the year we will land that new job, get in great shape, find the man of our dreams, or quit smoking. We spend our days thinking, talking, and dreaming about what our lives could be like 'if only ...'. We follow a new diet, we start exercise routines – we begin working on our lifelong goals and then we give up, get too busy, and forget about what's truly important to us. Another year passes by and our dreams remain out of reach. 

From leading thousands of people through the transformational process, I can assure you of this. Although people think they're chasing a goal that may or may not happen, the truth is they are chasing the feelingthey think they'll have when their dreams come true. Really breathe that in. What you are craving is not the outside goodie — the new career, the fit body, the loving family — but the feeling that you think you'll experience when you get it. 

The great news is that you don't have to wait to feel that feeling. You can feel that way right now. Every feeling that exists - all these levels of consciousness, frequencies, and vibrations - exist inside of us right now. Our job is just to activate them. When you feel the feelings you most desire, you're more likely to achieve the goals and dreams you have for your life. 

Here is a ritual to support you in discovering that the life you've always wanted is right in front of you, well within your grasp. Take some time to journal and answer these questions.

  1. What is one feeling you most want to explore or align with this coming year? What feeling would be worth giving up old patterns, behaviors, opinions, beliefs, thoughts, and judgments? To help pick your feeling, I recommend you find a "feelings list" online to prompt yourself. Or you can think of a goal you've wanted to achieve and then ask yourself "How would I feel if I achieved that goal?" Even if it seems challenging, for the purposes of this ritual, make sure to pick just ONE feeling you MOST want to feel in 2018. Write it down. 
  2. Reflect on how this feeling would push you to take risks and step into your next highest expression. How would you act differently if you were living a life grounded in that feeling? What would be different in your world? Write it out in great detail. 
  3. Let yourself see how your alignment with this feeling could serve the greater whole. How would it help those around you? What would you be able to do if you felt this feeling? Make some notes. 
  4. Call forth three images that evoke this feeling, images you can revisit to ensure that you're living on that frequency this year. For example, if you want peace, you might see an image of a still lake, a person in meditation, or people holding hands. Allow yourself to see three images that will anchor you in the feeling you most desire. 
  5. Identify what this feeling would smell like. What smell would you most associate with what you've chosen? (Hint: You might want to pick your favorite smell since I'm going to ask you to get it and smell it every day!) 
  6. Select a color that most reminds you of this feeling. What color would best evoke the feeling you've chosen? 
  7. Find a phrase -- an expression, a line in a prayer, a part of a poem, or something you write yourself. For peace, for example, it could be "Be still and know that I am G-d." 
  8. Pick two synonyms for the feeling. For peace, for example, you might pick "serenity" and "contentment." 
  9. Choose a song that matches the feeling you want. Go through your music library or put your word into the iTunes store. Find yourself a theme song for the year. 
  10. See two behaviors that you can do every week this year that would bring forth the feeling inside of you. For peace, it might be going for a walk in a park near your home, going to pray in a spot that you like, or reading part of a book. 
  11. Find a beautiful piece of paper or notebook. In your best handwriting (or most beautiful font on your computer), write out all these details -- the images, the smell, the color, the phrase, the synonyms, the song, and the behaviors. Make copies of your list and put them around the house so you will be reminded. 
  12. Finally, at least for the next 21 days straight and ideally each and every day of the new year, spend a minimum of two minutes at the beginning of the day and before you go to bed holding that piece of paper, reviewing your list, listening to the song, smelling the smell, repeating the phrase. Bring yourself into the presence of the frequency. Feel the vibration. Bask in that feeling. Close your eyes and ask the powers that be to support you in bringing forth the highest expression of the state of being you have chosen.

I promise that when you live your life this way, you won't have to worry about your resolutions or your goals. You'll get everything that your heart desires. 

As you start a new year, know that I am wishing you a fantastic year. May all your dreams come true. 


Have You Joined The 21-Day Integrity Challenge Yet?



One simple action can change everything. In The 21-Day Integrity Challenge starting on Wednesday January 10th, you will enter into a conversation where each day you will be invited to a look at an aspect of your life to determine if there is anything that needs to be re-examined, released, replaced, resolved, or reignited. 

Each day you'll receive an email in your inbox with your challenge for the day. You will be invited to engage in different inquiries, actions, and practices to cultivate integrity. You'll also have access to a private Facebook group where you can share your progress and support your fellow members with ideas and inspiration. 

Don't miss this day-by-day, step-by-step guide that will aid you in shedding and cleaning up the ways you have been out of integrity so you will feel empowered, worthy, and ready to own that you are whole and complete and to live in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires.

Join The 21-Day Integrity Challenge

A Holiday Blessing

A Holiday Blessing

As we move toward the end of a remarkable year, you are in our thoughts and hearts. In the midst of the busyness of the holiday season, we want to express our profound gratitude for you.

To best express our appreciation, we offer you the blessing that Debbie Ford wrote for her newsletter subscribers in December of 2009. She began the blessing by writing, "You deserve an unimaginable future, one that exceeds your expectations and your deepest desires. You can have it. It is your birthright through your divine connection." We couldn't agree more.

From me and the staff of The Ford Institute, on behalf of all of our Integrative Coaches, and our global community at large, we are sending you enormous amounts of love and wishes for the happiest, healthiest holiday season ever.

by Debbie Ford

Divine Spirit
thank you for giving me the capacity for wholeness

Thank you for this very precious moment

A moment where I am present
to all the goodness that exists
inside and outside of me

A moment that inspires thoughts of a greater future

A future where I can love and be loved
where I can serve and be served

A future where I humbly and gracefully
contribute my soul's gifts to the world

A future that is filled with abundance and miracles

Today I open my arms to the loving presence
that will awaken me to my greatness
and fill my future with surprises

I surrender my life and will
to the greatest power in the universe

Today I accept my worth and my worthiness

And so it is 

What Do You Need To Eliminate Before 2018?

What Do You Need To Eliminate Before 2018?

As the holidays kick into high gear, I am thankful and a bit overwhelmed as I fill in my calendar. There are parties to attend, dinners to organize, presents to buy, decorations to hang, and visits from out-of-towners, friends, and family to prepare for. As I anticipate the month to come, it feels like my to-do list is infused with a sense of accumulation. Although I look forward to the abundance and merriment of delighting in the decadence of December, I also feel a strong sense of urgency to resolve and handle certain issues so I do not carry them forward into 2018. And the good news is there is still time. 

In my book The Integrity Advantage, I write,

"Integrity is a process of elimination—you need to let go of that which you have suppressed, clean out that which does not serve you, let go of toxicity, and make space. 

To flow freely and powerfully toward the future, you must eliminate anything that might have a gravitational pull to the past or keep you connected to old karma or chaos. It’s like pulling out the old weeds before you plant new seeds, washing your face before you put on makeup, or clearing the table before you set it for the next meal. You always want to start with a clean work space."  

To support me in starting the year with a “clean work space,” I have been spending time really contemplating the following three questions:

  • What incompletions do I need to address? 
  • What do I need to clean up? 
  • What or whom do I need to let go of?

Already this past week I threw away garbage bags full of old papers, gave away clothes that I have not worn in years, dealt with an issue that required me to actually go down and wait in line at the Social Security Office, and finally got someone on the phone at Apple to discuss the recurring charges that appear on my credit card statement each month which I have no idea what they are for but since they are only add up to a few dollars, I justify ignoring. 

Although on the surface each of these issues were “small,” the feeling of space and freedom that I feel now that they are resolved is huge. It fuels my desire to rid my life and surroundings of anything that might consciously or unconsciously be a drain on my energy. So as the year draws to an end, I want to encourage you to be mindful to not let your focus on your holiday shopping list deter you from spending time doing end-of year clean up. If you want to ring in 2018 with a sense of clarity and calm and joyously jump into January, than I invite you to join me in taking on elimination as well as accumulation. 

Transformational Action Steps 

Spend time looking at your life through the eyes of elimination. 

(1) Dwell in the following questions:

  • What incompletions do you need to tackle?
  • What situations or relationships do you need to clean up?
  • What or whom do you need to let go of?

(2) Make a list of action steps and make sure to schedule these action steps into your calendar. 

A Gratitude Ritual

A Gratitude Ritual

As each one of my three daughters comes home for the Thanksgiving vacation holiday, my heart expands and I am overcome by all of the amazing gifts that I have in my life. As I wrote on the dedication page of my new book The Integrity Advantage, I am blessed to have amazing women in my life to learn from, laugh with, and lean on. In particular, I publicly acknowledged my mother, my three daughters, and of course Debbie Ford. A woman of courage, brilliance, and faith, Debbie radically shifted so many people's lives - especially mine. Through her teachings, wisdom, honesty, and vision, Debbie gave and keeps giving me - and all of us - the gift of liberation.

As we enter the holiday season and this sacred time of introspection, Debbie's words ring in my ear. Especially around this time of year, she used to remind us that:

"When you're in the presence of your gifts,
you naturally feel gratitude."

If you want to live a life beyond your wildest dreams, if you want to turn the ordinary into extraordinary and find the miracles that are dancing in front of you in every moment then start with the practice of cultivating gratitude.

So as we enter this week of Thanksgiving, we want to share with you a powerful Gratitude Ritual Debbie created. (See below.) We hope you take the time to do it. Especially during this season when we all literally and figuratively have so much on our plates, it is important to go within and connect with your blessings.

And as we turn our attention to what we are most appreciative for this week, we want you to know that we are grateful for YOU. We know that there is no greater honor than to be welcomed into your life and share in your emotional and spiritual evolution. We appreciate your openness and willingness to let us be a part of your process!

From our hearts, thank you, thank you, thank you...

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Make a plan do the Gratitude Ritual on a daily basis for at least a week. Put it in your calendar.

(2) Find a place that inspires and deeply nurtures you, a sacred place, to do the Gratitude Ritual.

(3) Do the Gratitude Ritual each day for at least a week.

(4) After the Gratitude Ritual, ask your heart to tell you what it's most appreciative for. Jot these words down and remember that they can serve to fill your internal cup and bring you peace at any time amidst the bustle of this holiday season.

With love,

A Gratitude Ritual
by Debbie Ford

The beautiful gifts of gratitude begin at home
so today invite a healing to happen
in your own body
in your own consciousness
in your own loving heart
that feels blessed to be alive

Notice all the riches you've been given
the feet that allow you to stand
the legs that allow you to walk
the stomach that allows you to eat
the lungs that allow you to breathe
the throat that allows you to speak
the mouth that allows you to taste
the nose that allows you to smell
the eyes that allow you to see
and your beating heart
that allows you to love
Honor them all

Become present to the treasures of your life
the opportunities that you have been given
the ones that have effortlessly opened up for you this year
Reflect on your family, your kids, your partner, your friends
Look through appreciative eyes
the eyes of what's right
the eyes of the divine
Give thanks in a way that you never have before

Allow fear, doubt, struggle and pain
to melt away in the presence of this all-loving appreciation
Thank God that you have a consciousness
that is able to shift and transform in just a moment
Thank God that you are courageous enough
to take a moment to bless yourself
to bless the universe
to bless all those who love and guide you
and then to bless all of the world

Send your tears of love and gratitude
to those who are in pain
to those who are alone
to those who are confused
Allow the heavenly vibration of gratitude
to puncture their fearful illusions
and open up their hearts to what is truly divine

Today, take this vow of deep self-love and gratitude
knowing that when you are in the presence of this kind of love
you - as well as all of those around you - will flourish

Take five slow deep breaths, breathing in love, appreciation, gratitude and joy
Know that you are never alone and you will never be alone
We are all here surrounding you with love.

Turning The Tables on Turkey Day Trauma & Trepidation

Turning The Tables on Turkey Day Trauma & Trepidation

Happy almost-Thanksgiving! If you are like me, I'm sure that you cannot believe the holidays are already upon us. What happened to Fall? Although the song says "Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays," despite what we see in Hallmark Channel's Five Night Thanksgiving Movie Event, the fact is that most of us experience a sense of dread as we envision our upcoming holiday gatherings. Feelings of resistance, anxiety, and resignation start to bubble up as we anticipate the drama and dis-ease that will undoubtedly accompany the candied yams and pumpkin pie. As we contemplate the upcoming holiday, our minds naturally drift back to Thanksgivings past and we automatically become stressed out thinking about our family dynamic and the scenarios that consistently cause trauma and trepidation before we get to and/or around the Thanksgiving table. Any hope of warm and fuzzy feelings turn cold and cautious as we contemplate situations like:

- How do I once again try to explain to my family why I have to bring my own food since I eat - vegan or gluten-free?

- What can I do to appease my parents and in-laws, who are all divorced but expect us to show up and make their Thanksgiving meal the most significant one?

- How should I handle it this year when, at the last minute, my sister-in-law once again decides to invite four more people to dinner?

- What do I do when Uncle Bob brings up politics and the holiday goes from being about pilgrims, Native Americans, and gratitude to Democrats vs. Republicans and hate and hurling insults?

- How do I not get pissed off at my family when they stay glued to the couch and watching TV as I do all of the work in the kitchen?

Your first instinct might be to cancel Thanksgiving or hide because you just want to avoid the inevitable or you are afraid you will do what you have done in the past, remaining silent or passively standing by and pretending things are "fine" as you face dive into the mashed potatoes, drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine, and unconsciously choose self-sabotage over self-love. But checking or numbing out is not the best option. Neither is doing what you have done in the past -- avoidance, settling for crumbs, enduring the explosions or inappropriate actions and behaviors of others, or allowing yourself to self-implode and then berating and beating yourself up for it later. 

It is time to turn the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation. It is time to declare a no-tolerance policy when it comes to putting ourselves in unhealthy scenarios in which we do unto others better than we do unto ourselves as we compromise our wants, needs, desires, and truth. It is time to initiate some new holiday traditions! 

In my book The Integrity Advantage, one of my favorite sections is about creating an "Integrity Protection Program," a set of structures and practices that aid us in protecting our highest. To help navigate the holiday pitfalls, it is crucial that we be proactive about formulating a holiday Integrity Protection Plan and put structures in place to safeguard our sanity. We must commit to establishing a clear set of ground rules, some for us to adhere to and others that we convey to our loved ones. Even though it would be nice to think that our family members and close friends know our needs, assuming often gets us in trouble and causes misunderstandings. As we take on being proactive about turning the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation, we must also commit to communicating our requests and boundaries to others in a clear and timely manner. It is okay to:

- Tell your sister-in law that the cut-off day for any additional guest is the Monday before Thanksgiving.

- Give each family member a list of tasks you need them to perform and add in a time frame for when they need to be done by.

- Call your hostess and ask what they will be serving to see if it meets your dietary needs and then check if you can bring some "sugar-free" or gluten-free options.

- Remind your in-laws that you will be eating dinner at your mother's house and will be at their house in the afternoon to say hello.

- Declare the Thanksgiving table a "no-politics" zone.

Structures and boundaries are acts of self-care and demonstrations of self-love. And one of the "ahas" I have come to realize is that just like we need to establish them to safeguard us from the actions and habits of others, we often need structures and boundaries to safeguard ourselves from our own weaknesses and pitfalls. I have found that for myself, especially when it comes to the holidays,

It is better to know myself, not to test myself!

If I know that leftovers will wreak havoc with my food plan, then instead of hoping that this year I will be able to resist the leftover chestnut stuffing or deep-dish apple pie, I eliminate the temptation and allow myself one "leftover day" before I give the excess food away. 

If year after year, I get angry with my children because they are late getting dressed and out the door for Thanksgiving dinner, then to defuse the situation before it happens, I let them know in advance what time we are leaving and invite anyone who is not sure what they are wearing to model it the day before so there is no last-minute drama. 

If I always feel overwhelmed by my holiday to-do list, then starting two weeks before, I start peppering into my schedule the things I can do ahead of time so I don't feel rushed and exhausted the last few days. 

Although I might like to think that this year I will handle things differently, chances are I might not. That is why I love this concept of knowing myself instead of testing or tempting myself. It supports me in embracing my humanity and creating structures that are accepting of what is and planning accordingly. 

Changing your holiday karma is possible. But we need to be as mindful about creating our holiday Integrity Protection Program as we are our Thanksgiving menu. My hope is that, to whatever extent you need to, you can turn the tables on turkey day trauma and trepidation and have the yummiest of holidays. 

Transformational Action Steps

  1. Start formulating your holiday Integrity Protection Program.
    • What boundaries do you need to establish with others?
    • What structures do you need to create that will support you in successfully navigating your family's issues and dealing with their dynamics?
    • If you take on the concept of knowing yourself and not testing yourself, what structures can you put in place to safeguard yourself from your own weaknesses and pitfalls?
  2. Make a conscious choice to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and walk through the holiday with eyes of love and gratitude.
  3. Get The Integrity Advantage to learn even more about setting up your own Integrity Protection Program and the benefits of living an integrity-guided life.
  4. Join The Integrity Movement and stay tuned for news about our first-ever INTEGRI-THON when we will be cleaning up and clearing out anything that no longer serves us and takes up space so we can make room for that which does.

How The Divorce Diet Became The Integrity Advantage

How The Divorce Diet Became The Integrity Advantage

As many of you know, this past week, my first book, The Integrity Advantage, was released. It was a pinnacle moment filled with a smorgasbord of emotions. It quickly turned into a somewhat surreal experience watching this baby being birthed out into the world, seeing people holding the book in their hands, and knowing that they would soon be reading my words.

Many people have asked me why I committed to this concept of integrity as a way of life a few years ago. I was recently invited to write a guest blog addressing what motivated me to write this book and what I hoped the reader would get out of it. Since it was my own pain and chaos of living out of integrity that brought me to living and realizing the advantage of living an integrity-guided life, I thought I would share the blog here. 

I couldn’t believe I was back there again! It had been years since I found myself doing laps around the kitchen compulsively looking for the next bit of comfort food to stuff in my mouth. It had been ten years since that desire to binge swept over me like a tsunami. Actually, it had been since my divorce ten years earlier that I had abstained from emotional overeating. I had thought those days were over. I had thought that my divorce was the cure for my unhappiness and the antidote to my binge behavior. I guess I had thought wrong! 

Forcing myself to stop before the excess calories and self-loathing set in, I had to ask myself, “What is going on?” 

The truth - my truth - popped up in minutes. My friend and mentor Debbie Ford had passed away from cancer months earlier. Debbie was a best-selling author and founder of The Ford Institute which teaches personal growth and transformation and offers life-changing workshops and programs. Debbie had left her business to me and a fellow Ford Institute staff member. It was an amazing honor as well as a daunting responsibility to step into the shoes of someone who was so loved and admired. Perfectionist that I am, I dove right into running the business and keeping the legacy of Debbie’s work alive. I was scared to death I would be rejected and embarrassed or that I would fail. I worked 24/7 trying to prove my worth to others, all along doubting it myself. The task at hand was not only stirring up lots of issues in terms of my confidence and self-worth but also in terms of my identity. Internally, I started grappling with a well of issues and emotions. Was I living someone else’s vision or my own? Was this something I wanted to do or felt obligated to do? Had I ever stopped and asked myself, “Is this right for me?” or did I just jump into doing what I thought was right and trying desperately to get it right? 

As I looked around at my life, I could see that there were other instances where I was caught up trying to do the “right” thing or what I thought was expected of me, other places I had totally lost sight of what was right for me. Once again, just like in my marriage, I was stepping over my truth and sidelining my desires. And, as a result, my impulse to self-soothe or self-sabotage with food was taking over. 

At that moment, a bell went off in my head. 

It was not my divorce that had been the catalyst for me to stop emotional eating. It was being out of integrity that was the impetus for me to engage in self-sabotage. 

In that moment, my first book, which I always thought would be titled “The Divorce Diet” morphed into “The Integrity Advantage.” 

In that moment, somewhere between rummaging from the refrigerator to the cabinets, I realized the connection between integrity, self-worth, and self-sabotage. 

Being out of integrity launches us into a downward spiral. It leads to feelings of shame and unworthiness which leads to self-sabotage and making choices not in our highest. These can generate greater feelings of being out of integrity and unworthiness, leading to more self-sabotage, and the spiral continues straight into a dark abyss. Yet, the moment you declare “Enough is enough!” and focus on who you want to be in that moment, the downward spiral becomes a shooting star. Just like being out of integrity breeds more of the same, so does being in integrity. It builds on itself. The internal integrity alignment monitor that we all have guides us to make high-level choices which fuel our feelings of worthiness and our desire to make high-level choices. 

I also realized that there was actually a blessing in my binges since anytime I had the impulse to binge, it was actually my integrity alignment monitor telling me that something was off…that somewhere in my life I was stepping over my truth, compromising myself, playing it safe or small, or accepting the unacceptable. It was a signal that I needed to find out what was eating me so I wouldn’t eat over the issue! 

Before, the word integrity had always felt like something that some people had and others did not. It was something that people needed to do to get into integrity. But now I know that integrity is inside each of us. It is not something that we have to do but who we are. And most importantly it is not a destination, but a way of life! 

Once you commit to integrity as way of life, everything becomes clearer and easier. You feel worthy of having and being more and you will allow yourself to create more passionately, play more joyously, love more open-heartedly, and live more abundantly. 

My hope is that the reader will see themselves in this book and it will make them laugh, think, and open up to new possibilities. I want them to see that there is another way. Suffering, struggle, and self-sabotage are optional. Life can be easy and there is such a thing as self-love. After years of trying to fix and change myself on the outside, I have realized that transformation happens when we learn to love and honor what is in the inside. Learning to always take that U-turn back to myself and live in harmony with my integrity alignment monitor has given me a life I love. It has always been my passion to share with others what was given to me - the gift of liberation. I hope this book inspires people to take back their power and free themselves of outdated beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve them so they can feel open and empowered to step into their truth, love their life and claim their magnificence. That is The Integrity Advantage

Transformational Action Steps 

Dwell in the concept of doing it right vs. what is right for you. 

(1) Identify a situation or circumstance where you are or have been more focused on getting it right instead of really looking at whether it is right for you. 

(2) Let yourself see the cost. What does it cost you? 

(3) Identify the thought would you need to affirm or let go in order to take that U-turn back to yourself and live your truth. 

(4) Get The Integrity Advantage to step into your truth, love your life, and claim your magnificence. 

(5) Join The Integrity Movement and stay tuned for news about our first-ever 5-day INTEGRI-THON! We will be cleaning up and clearing out anything that no longer serves us and takes up space so we can make room for that which does. 

Stop Covering Your Butt!

Stop Covering Your Butt!

Last Saturday when I was taking a bootcamp class at my gym, I noticed this adorable twenty-something standing next to me. Although I have seen her before, I have never talked to her. Truth is, she generally works out every morning at 6 AM, whereas I stumble in at 7 AM. I have in the past overheard some of her conversations.  They generally revolve around what she is eating and her asking advice from others since she is “starving herself and not losing any more weight.”  Having been in that situation for a huge portion of my life, I have had tremendous empathy for her.  Although part of me wanted to jump right in and save her, I could hear my three daughters (who are also in their twenties) in my head saying, “Mom, don’t be scary!”  So beyond complimenting her whenever I could and was appropriate, I kept my scary-self quiet.

But on this day, my mind was on overdrive.  Stunned by the news coming out of Hollywood about Harvey Weinstein and the horrific and growing number of reports of sexual assault and harassment, I was horrified - horrified by the predatory behavior, abuse, and misuse of power and horrified, even though I understood it and had great compassion for it, that women (and men) were silenced by the shadow of shame and frozen by fear. 

In my mind, the battle-cry that kept sounding louder and louder was “Enough is enough!"  It compelled me to look once again at my own life as well as in the world to see “In what situations and circumstances am I or others compromising, settling, accepting the unacceptable, quieting our voice, or stepping over our truth?”

I literally took on proactively walking through the world looking through the eyes of “Enough is enough!” not in a judgmental or make-wrong way but more in a social justice kind of way - a way of really looking at “Who do I want to be in the world?  What do I want to stand for? and What can I no longer tolerate?”  (This was very much motivated by what I wrote in my last newsletter entitled “Join The Integrity Movement” and taking on being the change I want to see in the world.) 

So that day as I looked over at this beautiful being who was working out so hard, I was saddened and disturbed to see her wearing a sweatshirt tied around her waist, covering her butt!  Now let me preface this by saying that I live in Miami where it is still close to 90 degrees.  No one needs or is wearing a big bulky sweatshirt.  Having also spent many years literally and figuratively covering my ass, I knew exactly what this girl was doing and why!  She was covering her ass because of shame!

In my book The Integrity Advantage, I have a chapter dedicated to what I call “Integrity Snatchers.”  Integrity Snatchers are the constant companions, the characteristics and situations, that we all live with that diminish our sense of self, erode our self-trust, and whittle away at our birthright of integrity.  Integrity Snatchers keep us from making the highest choices for ourselves and going for the life of our dreams.  In my book, I talk about seven different Integrity Snatchers, the first of which is shame.  In my book, I write:

“Shame is one of the most painful emotions that there is.  Our shame, which is generally birthed from some childhood event, teaches us to hide who we truly are because we fear that who we are is fundamentally flawed. Our shame leads us to believe that people won’t like us if they know who we truly are at our core. Our shame is what creates our external persona and robs us of authenticity. 

Believing that we are our shame, fundamentally flawed, need fixing, are not to be trusted, and must hide, we dull down our desires and don’t strive for amazing. Why? Because we don’t believe we deserve amazing or can achieve amazing. Above all, we don’t want to feel the pain of our shame if we risk something and fail. The time bomb of our shame is ticking loudly and keeps us stuck and playing small. It leaves us paralyzed, fearing rejection, expecting disappointment, hiding who we are. It keeps us from reaching for the life we dream of and know we are meant to live.”

Now I know there has been a lot of conversation about body-shamers - people who say nasty, inappropriate, and unwarranted things about others.  Their comments and commentary are not needed or wanted. If given the opportunity, I would encourage these body-shamers to look at the purpose and intent of their words as well as the impact and really dig deep in the exploration of knowing that your words are your calling cards. Who do you want to be in the world?  But enough about them.

Debbie Ford always used to always say that other people cannot make you feel a certain way.  In wrapping my arms around her theory, I used to imagine it like a hook and eye.  If someone’s words or a situation stirs up a certain feeling, it is only because somewhere within you there is an eye to anchor in their hook.  That is why the same words or event might not generate similar feelings in someone else – they don’t have the same wounds or sensitivities so they are not getting hooked in. 

So, as I looked at this girl next to me, working out tirelessly, sweating profusely, trying to fix herself, and covering her butt, I started to think about all of the ways we consciously or often unconsciously shame ourselves. 

Think of the times when you:

- Wear baggy clothing to cover some part of your body
- Negatively compare yourself to the person sitting next to you or some celebrity
- Don’t eat, spend money, or even sleep in public out of fear someone might think you are lazy or irresponsible
- Quiet your voice, thinking your thoughts don’t matter or would sound stupid
- Don’t take a risk or go for a dream or desire because you're afraid to fail

Although I know we all walk around on some level trying to guard ourselves from the pain and sting of rejection or embarrassment, the truth is playing small makes us feel small - and that kills our soul and destroys our dreams!  It is like we are constantly beating up that little, innocent beautiful child inside of us.  It is abusive.

So this week I am declaring “Enough is enough!”  when it comes to us all shaming ourselves! I encourage you to really look around your life and see the ways you are whittling away at your self-esteem.  As you go on this exploration, be mindful not to use anything you find to shame yourself even more. Be fascinated by what you find and amazed by the insidiousness ofshame, especially when we do it to ourselves.

The only way to bust out of our shame is to bust out of our shame!  It’s time to stop hiding, claim our right to be fully expressed, and dance in the light of authentic aliveness and the inspiration of integrity!

“A person of integrity is someone whose life isn’t full of contradictions. They do as they say, and they say as they do. Who they are on the inside is who they are on the outside, and who they are on the outside is aligned with how they feel on the inside. They have declared what is important to them and who they want to be in this lifetime. The actions they take and choices they make are aligned with that declaration and reflect that they feel worthy and deserving to manifest that which they most desire.”

Since that Saturday class, we have seen the courage of the “Me Too” movement spread throughout social media and the world.  Women are stepping out of the shadow of shame and isolation and imprisonment of Integrity Snatchers.  I am also happy to report that after mentioning my crusade to have people stop body-shaming themselves to a best friend of the girl with the sweatshirt, who quickly assured me that she too tells her friend to stop wearing shirts tied around her waist, the “girl with the sweatshirt” is no longer.  She came into the gym on Thursday for the first time without having something covering her butt! 

I am still in awe of what can happen when we make that declaration of “Enough is enough!”

Transformational Action Steps

Start walking through life looking at your own life and in the world at the situations where “Enough is enough!”

(1)  Become fascinated by all of the ways you consciously or unconsciously shame yourself.  What are the ways you cover up, quiet yourself, play small, or hide?

(2)  Picture that little child inside of you and truly think about whether they deserve to be put down, pushed away, or put in the corner.  Ask them, “What is the love that you need to step out of your shame and into the light?”

(3)  Do something unrecognizable.  Take on your shame and let your whole self shine!

(4)  Pre-order my book The Integrity Advantage for even more insight into Integrity Snatchers that are stopping you from stepping into your truth, loving your life, and claiming your magnificence.

OMG, you won't believe this!

OMG, you won't believe this!

It's a big week for The Ford Institute! First, we launched the Integrity Movement. Come join! And now comes huge news from Debbie Ford's sister Arielle that a previously unpublished manuscript by Debbie will be published March 6th, 2018! (Of course Debbie gets a book deal even on the other side!) Read this incredible story below and be sure to take advantage of the 24-hour sale on the e-book today only!

OMG, you won't believe this! by Arielle Ford

Debbie and JamesMy friend (and my sister Debbie's dear friend), world-famous medium James Van Praagh called last December to invite me, Bri, and my Mom to visit his new home here in San Diego and he offered us a reading with my sister in heaven, Debbie. This was an irresistible offer, as it's now impossible to get private readings with James.

During the reading, Debbie kept asking me if I would write a prayer book with her. I politely declined. How in the world would we do that? We couldn't possibly impose on James to be a daily intermediary and I didn't have any desire to figure it out.

During the "reading" lots and lots of relatives from the other side came through and in between these lovely visits, Debbie would pop in, insisting we write a prayer book together.

Eventually, I gave in and said yes, clueless as to how this would happen.

On the drive home, Brian mentioned that he recalled Debbie talking about some prayers she had written and suggested I contact the amazing Julie Stroud, (who to this day runs The Ford Institute along with Kelly Kosow) to see if she had any of these prayers.

Julie, who was Debbie's right hand everything for years, immediately wrote back and said not only did she have the prayers, she had an entire unpublished manuscript entitled Your Holiness: Discover the Light Within, and it was attached to the email.


Debbie wrote a prayer book and I never knew?

How was that possible?

I immediately read the book - astounded at the wisdom, the beauty, and the brilliance of it.

And, then I called her editor at Harper One, who admitted that he had been feeling guilty for the past several years because he knew that she always wanted to write a prayer book but he talked her out of it.

Well, guess what? Your Holiness

He bought the book and it will be published on March 6th with an introduction from Marianne Williamson.

Here's what Deepak Chopra has to say about Your Holiness:


"Debbie Ford was a spiritual sister, colleague and teacher to me . This book, discovered as her writings after her passing is an extraordinary journey to higher consciousness . Read it, absorb her insights and you may see the world fresh, vibrant and holy and as if for the first time."


This Thursday ONLY, for 24 hours, the e-book version will be on sale for $4.99 as a pre-order (U.S. only). (The normal retail price of the e-book will be $11.99.)

Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

TODAY ONLY: Pre-Order Debbie Ford’s Your Holiness in e-book format for only $4.99!*

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At a time when so much in our world feels uncertain and suffering is widespread and persistent, Debbie’s voice is more essential than ever. In an effort to reach as many people as possible with her message of relentless love and strength, her publisher is making the e-book edition of Your Holiness available for $4.99 to those who pre-order it today (U.S. only). We hope you’ll take advantage of the offer and spread the word about this important new book. A few words from Debbie:


"What you are seeking at the deepest level exists inside of you, in the quietude of your own inner world, in the privacy of your own sweet heart. So now it’s your responsibility, your holy responsibility, to encode your consciousness with thoughts, feelings, and images that will support you in creating the perfect internal environment to cultivate a deep and intimate relationship with the one you call God. This is the force that loves you, cheers for you, and wants it all for you. In a world where love leaves as quickly as it comes, you can rest now, knowing that you have found a love that will never leave you, never misguide you, and never ever let you down. My advice, dear friend, is take great care of that Love. It will give you everything you’ve been looking for."


TODAY ONLY: Pre-Order Debbie Ford’s Your Holiness in e-book format for only $4.99!*

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* U.S. only

Join the Integrity Movement

Join the Integrity Movement

As I sit to write this blog post, it is hard to find the words. I, like all of you, have been shaken by the course of events in the world over this past year and especially these past months and days. As Jimmy Kimmel said, "It feels like someone has opened up the door to Hell!" As we endure the extremes when it comes to divisiveness, disaster, devastation, and horrific acts of mass destruction, it has left people feeling saddened, anxious, afraid, helpless, and hopeless. I, like many of you, have prayed, tweeted condolences, sent thoughts of love, best wishes, and healing, and tried to be proactive in making donations and/or contacting our elected officials. And although these are all important, heartfelt gestures and do make a difference, they just do not feel like enough. They have not been enough in the past to make substantive change and more than likely they are not enough now. It just can't be that three days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history, anchors on national news shows were already saying that "things are getting back to normal." Just because their co-anchors flew back home or they are no longer broadcasting whole shows from Las Vegas, we cannot accept what is going on in the world as the new normal...and if it is, who wants that?

Now, I understand that with tragedy we do all affirm that we need to love and live to the fullest and that we can't stay paralyzed, fixated on watching the news, and if we stop living our lives then the terrorists and evil wins. But the truth is, we have been here before. We have been shocked, stirred up, and deeply saddened by a horrific event and nothing has changed. Divisiveness, devastation, and death can no longer be the new normal. Something more needs to happen because If we keep doing what we have always done, we will keep getting what we have always gotten!

I believe that the Universe is always giving us feedback, always trying to wake us up and show us the areas of our lives or world that are out of integrity and need attention. A benevolent partner and teacher, at first the Universe tries to get our attention by giving us a gentle nudge. But if we continue to ignore the message, that gentle nudge becomes a tap on the shoulder, then a kick in the butt, and eventually a punch in the gut that has us double over in pain and leaves us unable to catch our breath.

There is no question in my mind that what is going on in the world is a huge collective wake-up call. No longer can we sit back thinking that we don't matter, don't have the power, or are too insignificant to impact change. No longer can we live in the illusion that other people, including our elected officials or those with more money or influence, will and can do it for us. Whether it be in our individual lives or as part of the collective, no longer can we minimize who we are, step over our truth, be frozen by fear, or be guided by the lie that loops around our brain trying to convince us that we are not enough - not smart, important, successful, courageous, strong, or just plain old not good enough - to truly make a difference.

When we silence our truth and diminish our significance, we sabotage our ability to make a difference in our own lives and in the world.

No one is coming to save us. We must do it for ourselves. We must do it together. And we must each take it on. Just like we saw in Las Vegas and with all of these natural disasters, it has been people helping people - one person doing it with and for the next - that can and will make a difference. A shift in consciousness can impact a moment, an individual, and the world.

It is time for a new level of personal and collective responsibility, a remembrance of and realignment with core values of honesty, unity, wholeness, compassion, kindness, authenticity, and love. Simply put, it is time for integrity!

Everything that is bubbling up in the world right now is a reflection of what is bubbling up in each of us and it must be healed in each of us so it can be healed in the world. I know a lot of people think they have no influence in changing the world, that it is an insurmountable feat or a lofty, unattainable goal that "spiritual" people talk about. But just like in coaching when we encourage clients to achieve their goals one action step at a time because the goal might feel overwhelming and the overwhelm becomes their excuse to quit, the same is true with the world. If we focus on the world, we can feel impotent. But if we focus on something we have control of - ourselves - and focus on what Gandhi said, "being the change we want to see in the world," things can change.

Instead of looking at what is going on in the world and having it shut us down, let's use it take back our power and fuel our personal transformation, trusting it will have a ripple effect in the world. Like the first responders and heroes in Las Vegas, we need to take on the chaos instead of running away from it. For as Gandhi also said, "The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems."

From the perspective of our work, these are all shadows coming to the surface. As you know, on an individual level, our shadow is made up of the parts of ourselves that we deny, detest, don't want to be, or just can't see in ourselves. As Debbie Ford, the ultimate expert in the shadow, wrote,

  "Our shadow is the made up of the thoughts, emotions, and impulses we find too painful, embarrassing or distasteful to accept. So instead of dealing with them, we repress them – seal them away in some part of our psyche, so we don't have to feel the burden and shame they carry with them."  

We cannot heal that which we don't see or deny the existence of. Since the Universe is our partner, always supporting our evolution, it sends us messages and messengers to reflect back to us the parts of ourselves that we need to have a healing with so we can integrate them back and move closer to our birthright of wholeness.

Just as we have an individual shadow, there is a collective shadow as well. The things in the world that trigger us and create friction, frustration, and fear are actually an expression of what we have repressed. But the shadow will not be denied. And when it rises to the surface, it shines a light on that which is not working and needs to be healed.

Everything that is coming up in the world, whether it be racism, prejudice, supremacy, terrorism, corruption, fake news, fraud, falsities, or even first or second amendment issues, are all coming up to the surface because as a race, a human race, it is time to re-evaluate, re-examine, and, if deemed necessary, consciously replace these forces with something new. Otherwise, the past will be automatically carried forward and we will have more of the same.

It is up to each of us to step up and to step in and take on integrity. And we do that from the INside out, starting with self. We must heal ourselves and resolve our integrity issues so we can make decisions from wholeness instead of lack, our deepest truths instead of our greatest fear, and in the light of our grandest desires instead of the confines of our smallest thoughts.

That is what being in integrity and living an integrity-guided life is all about. Integrity is owning all of who you are and living in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires.

Together, we can do this! We can turn the tide on what is happening in the world and instead of being victim of it, we can do something about it. We can use it as a mirror to re-examine our own lives and inspire personal growth as well as the catalyst to fuel collective change.

That is why we are inviting you to join with us and be a part of our Integrity Movement. If you want to live in a world of like-minded people who are conscious, willing to look at themselves as individuals as well as part of a collective, and wanting to live in a world where there are systems, structures and ways of being and acting that are in harmony with the earth, serve the good of the whole, and are aligned with core values of love, respect, and wholeness, then take the #integritypledge.

This massive breakdown can be the prelude to a global breakthrough!

The Integrity Movement Manifesto

Be Pissed: We need to feel it so we can heal it. In history, it has been our intolerance of what is that has created the opening for something new. Let your intolerance for what is not working in the world be the fuel to ignite a new light of day.

Take It Personally: The Universe is always giving you feedback. It is always mirroring back to you the parts of yourself and your life that need healing. Be fascinated at where you are getting hooked in and let that act a treasure map, showing you where you need to take personal responsibility in terms of your emotional education and spiritual growth.

Define Your Principles: Never before have so many people been engaged and present to what is going on in the world. The global wake-up call is actually working. Let it awaken a new level of interest, involvement, and insight. We are being called to take a stand. Who do you want to be in the world? Who do you want to be as a partner, family member, co-worker, and as part of the collective? What do you believe in? And what is important to you in this lifetime?

Take Back Your Projections: We point fingers and project on to others that which we can't be with or judge in ourselves. Our projections aren't pretty. They are a choir of condemnation and criticism that we inflict on ourselves or others, causing conflict and chaos. Our words become weapons. To cultivate compassion and connection, we must learn to take back our projections.

Shift Your Perspective: Transformation is a shift in perception. To turn the tide on what is happening in the world, we must embrace that things are happening for us and not to us. We must embrace that this massive breakdown is the prelude to a global breakthrough. We must go from hater to creator!

Own Your Power: You can make a difference. Be the change you want to see in the world. Trust the ripple effect can and will happen.

Live in the Possibility: Things can and must be different. Let your grandest desires for yourself and the world motivate your choices and actions and be the gravitational force that pulls you and everyone else forward. Changing your life will change the trajectory of the world.

Transformational Action Steps

(1) Take the #integritypledge. Join the Integrity Movement and add your pin to the Integrity Movement Map.

(2) Visit the Integrity Movement Facebook group to share what motivated you to join the Integrity Movement.

(3) Come connect with me on my 'Integrity Igniter' Facebook Live on Wednesday October 11th at 10 AM Pacific/1 PM Eastern to dive deeper into this conversation.

(4) If you want a step-by-step guide to help you shed all of your outdated, self-sabotaging, and non-serving beliefs and behaviors so that you can step into greater levels of personal integrity, tap into the magic of manifestation, and be the person you want to be, get started by reading the first chapter of my book The Integrity Advantage. Learn more about the foundation of this Movement and being the change you want to see in the world.